Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

who? what?

I got to thinking today. I tried not to, but it's not like something I can just turn off.

Who is Spacefem? I always meant her to be slightly different than the person I really am, a little tougher, a little more interesting, all that. My online self. She's a lot like me... young, technical, ambitious... same physical traits, but still a seperate entity.

The thing is, I'm not sure I want Spacefem to get old. I'm scared of what will happen when she gets a steady paycheck and a job in the world of grown-ups. She's Spacefem, always moving, always looking to the future, always going somewhere in an unsure world and conquering new fears. And she's nutty and funny, too. Can you be nutty and funny at 35? Can you wear hose and suits to work every day and come home and pretend to be this random non-professional internet diva? Can you grill steaks for dinner and be the same person you were when you lived on macaroni and soda crackers?

So I thought, maybe in a few years, it'll be time to start over. Be 18 again. In a few months I'll start looking for a high school girl who reminds me of me when I was in high school, a dork with almost no friends who can't come to terms with her body or mental skills. I'll teach her HTML, or better yet, have mikey teach her HTML. Then one day Spacefem will take a week-long vacation to visit some dying relatives, vanish from the internet in all forms, and most everyone will forget about her. Until her amazing comeback. She'll be Spacefem like everyone remembered, settling into a new college dorm room getting nervous about her test in DC circuit design.

And so the cycle will go, and for 200 years we'll have Spacefem. Young, interesting, always changing, always tough as hell. Think "The Princess Bride," think Dread Pirate Roberts. An internet pirate of the seas, knocking down villages as she goes. Some day, many years after was started, an old woman will log into the forums and let all the 13 year old girls adopting useless blobs that they're pretty cool, too. And no one will ever know her secret.

Because really, only about 15% of the people reading my journal know anything about the girl behind Spacefem anyway. So the rest of you wouldn't notice if my life mysteriously dropped back six years.

My target audience right now is very young. Sometimes I think too young... I've gotten "Ask Spacefem" questions from girls claiming to be ten years old, and by the writing style, I believe them. I like the audience though, to be honest, they're fun, they're exciting, they're at that age where I was more confused than ever. If I could go back in time and talk to myself, I'd go back to that age. High school. Middle school. I want to always relate to them, I don't want to seem so much older, I'm afraid of seeming like their mom. I'm afraid of seeming like anyone's mom, ever.

I was once afraid that at the age of 30 I wouldn't know the answers to questions I desired, questions about life, myself, people, all that. Now I'm suddenly afraid of knowing too much. I dunno. Either way, I just might take that vacation in a few years, then let's all go back, let's all live through this time together again. No one will ever know.
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