Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

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long musing

My dress... doesn't close in the front because I don't have enough buttons! Some of you probably don't think this is an issue. I do, so I guess I'll make the rounds and go to all the different jo-ann stores to see if somebody has more. I bought out the local store. I think it's kinda dumb that they only stock two packages of a given type of button. I even asked if they had more in the back or something, they were like, "Nope, want us to call another store?"

Kansas weather is always so f'ed up. These days, we have like a 40% chance of rain every day, and it always looks like it's going to rain, not just in a "wow, it's cloudy" kinda way, but in a, "wow, that's the scariest damn sky I've ever seen. we're going to have a storm that will end us all and then some." kinda way. But it doesn't storm. Doesn't even rain. We just sit under these unnaturally colored skies and breathe tension. It's strange living under a sky like this. You can smell it in the air, it's so heavy and weird.

I have a big job interview tomorrow. In a way I'm almost afraid of getting employed now, it's like, against the person I am or something. I've given a lot of thought to what I've learned about job hunting in the past few months. My whole approach is just totally different now. Some of the things I've learned were things someone already told me but I just didn't listen to. Others I've gained through experimentation and research. It's funny, we spent a lot of time in college learning about interview skills and resumes, but in our department no one gave a second thought to the fact that it might take effort to get someone to look at your resume or want to interview you. Every February or March, we'd just start hearing the seniors that year talk about who they'd signed on with and where they'd be moving. Or which offers they were still deciding between. I'm not making that up. So we thought we'd have the same deal, until this year when the december grads just got their degrees and moved back home with no plans. It was sort of a shock. No, it was really a shock.

Even still, our professors had nothing to say to us about really hunting for jobs. And when I think about it that's really too bad. The jobs that our seniors got were with huge companies where they could be little engineer drones for five years then move on to the next huge company. I never wanted that. But I wasn't sure how to get around it, it was the logical step. In a way I feel like I've had even more opportunity than last years' seniors, because I've gotten to take the time to think about what I really want and how I really feel about the world. The job I want now is totally different than the job I wanted four months ago, mostly because I didn't know what I wanted four months ago, I was happy being a job beggar, running around with that, "Someone... anyone... hire me!" mentality. One might think that months of unemployment would make me more desperate, but that's not the case, I think I'm more determined to get what I want. After all this time and effort, I'm not going to settle for half. And it's easier to get what I want, because I know how to find it, I know what it is, I know who to talk to.

I think that my life was planned. I asked my mother once what she thought of fate, and she told me that a million little things every day were probably just left up to chance, but there are certain big things, what you do for a living, who you marry, that are decided long before you're ever born. Fate. I didn't think that two years ago or so, I remember telling my boyfriend at the time that we weren't together because of some grandiose scheme, we were together because I was a good person and he was a good person and we fit. We'd fit just as well with a thousand other people in the world. Like magnets, there are north poles and south poles and every north pole works with every south pole but none of them are attracted to ceramic tile and that's just how it is. You can't go thinking it's magical when magnets stick to each other. Then we broke up. It wasn't some huge difference between us, it wasn't anything specific that drove us apart, it was almost an unseen force, a subconscious division shaking the strands of life for its own prophetic benefit. Maybe I say all this to make myself feel better, but deep down I feel like there is evidence for what I believe, it's not just faith I'm going on, it's much more solid than that.

So in the end, no matter what I do, I think I'll be... okay. And you all will be too. Especially if you can avoid my journal, damn, I get cheesier every night :)
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