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Let me first say that I am lucky to have a devoted, affectionate husband. He is available for hugs and cuddling any time and has no limit. In ten years he's never said "okay, that's enough snuggling for today." I've said it. Okay I say it a lot. But that's because there's a limit, right? We all need love, but sometimes we need to get some shit done?

At some point in our early married lives we had this conflict. I'd be busy doing something, running around. He'd see me, say "hold on just slow down a second," hug me warmly, but I couldn't really be into it. He could sense it. And it hurt him, he felt unloved.

I realized that the place this happened the most was the kitchen. I'd have, like, a whisk in my hand that I was putting away from the dishwasher and was on my way to the other side of the kitchen and man can I put this down? Or worse, I'd be on my way to get coffee and you do NOT Want to come between me and coffee!

I told him that I definitely loved him, definitely wanted to hug him, but to get the best of me (and not piss me off) can he avoid interrupting me when I'm in determined mode? And since the worst place for this was the kitchen, I came up with the perfect solution: just a hard set rule that there shall be no kitchen hugs.

This makes perfect sense to me and several others have agreed too, right? We can't just be hugging all day, and sometimes when I have a sequence of tasks in my head, I do not want to drop them all. So we'll hug on the couch. If I'm doing something simple like sitting on the bed folding laundry, he can hug me. If he's cooking (he does all the cooking) it is not in my interest to hug him because that could delay the meal and make me hungry so again, still an awesome rule, right?

He narrow-eyed at me.

Years passed, we stayed married, we had children, and now I have snuggly needy little people and they're on HIS side here, I explained the rule to my five year old and now she just wants to come up to me all the time and yell "KITCHEN HUG!" and he thinks it's hysterical.

Well damn... I will not give up!

I got an idea. I'd post up a reminder. And it'd be an invitation for anyone else in the house to weigh in on the situation. I commissioned an Etsy artist to make us this delightful piece:

it's a hit! or so I thought...

reactions have been very devils-advocate-y! Marc's friends are telling him hell yeah let the woman work through whatever is on her mind first, then get a hug, you can deal!

my friends are telling me to always make time for affection, slow down and smell the roses, don't be so on-task that you ignore the big important things in life.

I don't think they understand how little I'd get done if I cuddled with my man whenever he wanted, friends. I'm not talking about having a less than pinterest-perfect house, okay? I mean, I'd have to quit my whole job, and we'd never go to the store we'd just order pizza, and 3-4 years into it he'd be like okay we've hugged enough.

everybody's gotta have limits! mine is where the kitchen starts. makes sense? awesome rule! be on my side, friends!

I'm done blogging for today now, so I'm off to sit on the couch with my husband. It's a great place and if he's busy I will calmly wait for him and we will have our hugs. See, I make it happen. Just not WHENEVER. It's not like hugging ANARCHY at our house. But we'll still be okay.


Posts from This Journal by “marriage” Tag


( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 23rd, 2015 04:29 pm (UTC)

I just had this discussion with my husband this weekend when I was scrubbing a nasty, greasy pan and he came up and wanted to cuddle me/hug me and I wasn't into it.

When I'm elbow-deep in dirty dishwater, I'm probably not going to want to wash my hands, hug/cuddle him to his satisfaction, then return my clean hands to the dirty water. Let's be pragmatic about this, people! With you on this.
Nov. 23rd, 2015 04:50 pm (UTC)
I hear you. I had to explain to my husband that cuddling and hugging loses its allure whenever he's touching me non-stop. We decided to do the most non-romantic thing ever. We have daily scheduled cuddle/hug time. He can still hug outside that time, but if I say no, he has to deal and wait for scheduled hug time.
Nov. 23rd, 2015 06:16 pm (UTC)
lol that's so unromantic it's worse than me! it's like office hours - of course I love it though!
Nov. 23rd, 2015 04:56 pm (UTC)
When I read the title I was like, yes! Good policy! I don't have this problem with my husband, he's not a real affectionate type. But I do have this problem with my toddler. Aside from being annoying, it's dangerous. If my toddler comes up and hugs me while I'm chopping stuff or cooking I could cut or burn myself.

But this is actually one of the most difficult things I find about having children (not adults... they should know better ;)) is that if I am doing something I really do not want to be interrupted, particularly work or household chores.
Nov. 23rd, 2015 09:11 pm (UTC)
I read the title and thought it was going to be about how dangerous kitchen hugs are. We don't have a kitchen hugging rule but we do have a no toys, jumping, playing or silly antics in the kitchen rule.
Nov. 23rd, 2015 05:13 pm (UTC)
my friends are telling me to always make time for affection, slow down and smell the roses, don't be so on-task that you ignore the big important things in life.

Trying to give me unwanted or unexpected hugs while I'm working in the kitchen can be downright dangerous. TBH, someone who doesn't respect your boundaries just because they're not the same as his needs a serious grow-the-fuck-up lesson.
Nov. 23rd, 2015 06:15 pm (UTC)
perfect response & gif!
Nov. 23rd, 2015 05:31 pm (UTC)
OMG I need that embroidery! My husband does that to me all the time. Whether I'm chopping, handling raw food, stirring something on the stove...you never want to come in contact with someone who is so close to so many safety hazards. LOL

When my husband comes home I'm in the middle of putting dinner together for him because he works so close to home I really only get 10 minutes between when he says he's coming home and when he gets there. I totally get you!
Nov. 23rd, 2015 05:35 pm (UTC)
I think it is a nice problem to have. And I like the rule - it is simple!

I do know the "problem"... sometimes I am running from A to B in our flat, and my husband steps into my way because he wants to hug... not a good idea right then. But I still love that he wants to hug me, at least the principal idea of it, just not at that actual moment.
Nov. 23rd, 2015 06:08 pm (UTC)
The only thing that can stop JV from wanting cuddles in bed is his nose getting stuffy from laying on his side. Otherwise it would be years.

I love cuddles and I'm glad with someone who always wants them, but sometimes I need to get shit done.
Nov. 23rd, 2015 07:30 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, man, I love your writing and these ... little special bits :D

I don't have that problem, my bf basically never wants to hug at random ... actually, I wish he would do it at least *sometimes*.
Nov. 23rd, 2015 08:05 pm (UTC)
I think having house rules can be really, really helpful, and that it makes perfect sense if they're a little bit different for each house. (Two of ours are: whoever cooks, the other one cleans up; and whoever gets into bed last has to come over and kiss the other one goodnight.) I also have some personal rules, like I don't make decisions about charitable donations over the phone, and I get books on my Kindle categorized before I can read them (or it wouldn't happen at all).

So many things in life deserve to be thought about or discussed; I find it's really useful to have a few rules to take some things out of that category.

(If you were making ules like "no hugging until bedtime" I'd be worried. "No hugging in this one small slice of space and time" sounds totally reasonable.)
Nov. 23rd, 2015 08:24 pm (UTC)
I AM SO GLAD that this is not just me! My husband loves to come up behind me and hug me when I'm like, chopping onions. WITH A KNIFE IN MY HAND. It drives me nuts. He also will often break off a mutual task, like folding the laundry, to do it, which makes me see red.

We don't have a 'no kitchen hugs' rule, but we do have a 'no hugging while I'm cooking' rule.
Nov. 23rd, 2015 11:52 pm (UTC)
The kitchen is man domain in our house, and I generally stay out of it for fear of being stepped on.
Nov. 24th, 2015 03:27 am (UTC)

I'm Team Sign! Very cute!

Nov. 24th, 2015 04:41 am (UTC)

Hugging anarchy! ♡♡♡

Nov. 24th, 2015 02:53 pm (UTC)
OMG!! I need that too!! I am very affectionate and absolutely LOVE hugs and cuddles!! But right, not when I am on a work-to-get-something-done mode!!! egads...
Nov. 24th, 2015 04:57 pm (UTC)
I don't mind kitchen hugs, as long as 1) person being hugged doesn't have to reciprocate and 2) they are not holding a sharp implement. But that's our house and our space, and your rule is totally reasonable. Also no kid-hugs in the kitchen because they don't get safety issues.

Having a list of things in your head, a hug can totally make them all fall out. ;)
Nov. 25th, 2015 06:58 pm (UTC)
Lol I am the Hug Anarchist at this house, I should tell Neil about the No Hugs in the Kitchen rule, I bet he'd be behind it!
Nov. 27th, 2015 05:19 am (UTC)
It's funny because I'm the gogogo person in my relationship but I'm also the "you call that a hug? try again" hug anarchist. Proper hugs/cuddles require a certain focus.
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

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