Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

a letter backwards to all the nerdboys I ever loved

I wonder if things have changed now that nerds are kinda cool. Or are they? I don't know. It's 2015 now. There's a thing called "geek chic". There are shows like The IT Crowd and Big Bang Theory. Some of the richest men in the world are from the computing industry... Bill Gates, the Apple guys who are still alive. Maybe guys who spend way too much time are their arduino projects are just chick magnets now like nobody'd believe, they're all suave and experienced and unreachable. If that's true, then let this be a time capsule entry... if it's not true, then let it apply to EVERYBODY now.

When I was in high school I was just starting to learn BASIC, javascript, and HTML. I was barely online. But I knew guys who were. They learned BASIC in the second grade, they bragged. They totally intimidated me out of getting a CS degree... but I only drifted into engineering, so not a total loss to STEM.

I wanted to be them. But more than that... I wanted them.

So someone asked me recently (and by recently I mean "in yesterday's lj entry") if I'd ever pined away unrequited for someone who did not love me back. Yes I have! But the thing with me, was it was always for computer nerds, and it made my feelings even more confusing because when a computer nerd doesn't ask you out you can't just wonder if he's "not that into you".

you also wonder if he's so obsessed with technology he's not into GIRLS period.

And you wonder if he's SECRETLY into you but since he's never had a girlfriend, he doesn't know how to flirt back.

I had several crushes in high school that went on way too long. Looking back, maybe they weren't into me. Okay probably they weren't into me. I was too tall and awkward and not terribly attractive. But it took me extra long to figure out. One guy I was obsessed with for like two years... finally we got to cuddle at a camping trip. It went nowhere from there.

There was this movie Angus about this nerdy guy who was in love with the most popular pretty girl in school and the point of the movie was that she just didn't see his inner coolness, so sad. Everyone liked it. It was "so deep". The soundtrack was great. I hated that movie. I was like you know what Angus, there's probably some nerdy girl who likes you... why is it that since you're a guy, you're entitled to the prom queen if you've got some ounce of inner beauty? where are the normal girls in these stories? Why is it okay for you to only pay attention to a girl who's stereotypically beautiful, then turn around and tell girls in general they're all shallow for looking past you?

I wasn't sure if this movie was totally sexist (looking back - yes it was) or a sign to me that I just needed to work REALLY HARD to let these guys know I was interested, because they are busy looking for the short busty cheerleaders, I don't even exist in their worlds, but if I did they'd be happy! right?!

In college I finally had boyfriends. My first few boyfriends were not total nerds... they'd had girlfriends. It was the start of understanding what a relationship feels like when the other person cares. Then I started back to flirting with computer nerds, this time getting some of them to actually be interested in me. Maybe it worked because we were older.

Shoot I have to conclude this sad rambling.

To the nerdgirls: You're wonderful and the right guys will see it. Don't let these nerds confuse you. Don't obsess on them. Be around them, be there for them, don't expect much.

To the nerdboys: Be honest as early and as often as possible. If a girl in your class asks you over for C++ tutoring way too often and wears perfume when you meet up in the lab but she's not your type or you'd rather play minecraft or whatever, it's okay! Talk about another girl you like so she gets SOME hint at least of where she stands.

To everyone: high school just sucks, so much, doesn't it. I just remembered that. I am so happy to be 35.
Tags: advice, geek culture

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