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unfriending, unfriending, unfriending

ran a history report on my lj friends and found 65 people (!) who were on my friends list, but they never friended me back, so I'm trying to clean those off.

I realize I'm not the best lj friend - sometimes I don't know what to say in comments, sometimes I don't comment, I am in a comment deficit that I'm trying to improve on but life gets ahead of me.

some of the people had tragic things happen to them, their last entry public is something like "I'm sorry I'm going through a lot right now and need my livejournal closed off to the closest people" and those are tough, I wish I knew more because some of those are people who I genuinely cared about. but I can take a hint and left them alone, and left them in my friends list for years just so they'd know I had no hard feelings and they could come back. but they didn't ever want me back. you can tell from the "last updated" on their profile that they've posted this year, but not for me... so it's like okay, seriously spacefem, drop the torch.

others are people I just friended during my enthusiastic friending phase earlier this year and I've learned not to do that, much better to meet people who are looking for friends, at their request, than to randomly say "hey we're both in the same community surely this person will be thrilled to see me!"

Livejournal emails you whenever you lose a friend, at least that's how mine is set up. I wonder what the world would be like if those emails also let the person add a sentence for why they unfriended you? honesty day! would that be better or worse?

Posts from This Journal by “livejournal” Tag


( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 14th, 2015 04:31 pm (UTC)
Some of the people who wanted friends were very demanding and wanted people who would comment, and I just felt weird that someone that I did not know was already demanding things.

My LJ is not set up to tell me when I lose a friend. If you had sentences to let people know why you are unfriending them, then you could create more drama for Encyclopedia Dramatica. I am not sure if any good would come of it. "I am unfriending you because our values are not aligned." "I am unfriending you because I do not like your spelling." "I am unfriending you because I use two spaces after the period, and I can't handle this modern world with one space after the period."
Sep. 14th, 2015 06:04 pm (UTC)
I had to laugh at the last one. I still put two spaces after a period. However, I am okay with other people's choices.
Sep. 14th, 2015 06:15 pm (UTC)
Well, I think that LJ actually strips the extra spaces if you are one of the people who puts two spaces after the period. Blogger does not seem to do that, and I am forever doing a search and replace for the two spaces because if the lines wrap at the end of a sentence, you end up with a weird indentation in the middle of your paragraph.
Sep. 14th, 2015 09:48 pm (UTC)
That is a weird and very annoying format error. I haven't paid enough attention to notice on LJ, but I do originally type with two spaces after each period. It's habit, even when using a phone keyboard.
Sep. 14th, 2015 10:30 pm (UTC)
Removing extra white space is a normal html thing if you want to have more than one spaces you need to add   (non-breaking space).
Sep. 14th, 2015 10:36 pm (UTC)
You are right! I usually write my LJ entries with the HTML editor and the blogger ones with the rich text editor, and the rich text editor adds the   all over the place.
Sep. 15th, 2015 01:54 am (UTC)
Agree! There is enough drama without needing to know why. It happens, move on. You're better off without them. Ditto with FB.
Sep. 15th, 2015 04:43 pm (UTC)
oh geez look at you starting a typing debate.

I tend to use my friends list differently - yes I do try to surf my friends page sometimes, but I frequently just go to specific journals or filters, so I'm not great at just commenting on everybody.

Mostly I want to limit the number of people who read ALL my entries - some of them just can't be public, and those friends-only ones are just that, friends-only, they don't need to be limited to 3 people but some limit is nice so I like having a friends list that's larger rather than smaller in case someone stops by.

I do not expect comments, I do not really expect anything I guess. I feel like it's up to me to write stuff that's interesting enough that people *want* to comment on it. It's not like you have to give me comments and then as a REWARD you get to read my f-locked entries - I feel like I am lucky to have you all friend me.
Sep. 15th, 2015 04:52 pm (UTC)
How do you decide what to share publicly? I may publicly share crafts that I have made or things that I have read, but I am not very consistent about sharing things publicly because I second guess myself and wonder if I am sharing too much.
Sep. 14th, 2015 04:38 pm (UTC)
Ooo! Helpful tool, that history report thing. Thanks for posting that!
Sep. 14th, 2015 06:09 pm (UTC)
I tend to leave people on unless they have unfriended me. I have had a couple show back up after years so you never know, but to see someone posting and knowing they have you purposefully blocked out is a bit off-putting. I'd wonder about shooting the person a message to test the waters and see if they just forgot tobinclude you on a filter or something.
Sep. 14th, 2015 06:16 pm (UTC)

Even when someone unfriends me it's hard for me to do the same, silly as that sounds. I know life, interests and people change over time. Even knowing that nine times out of ten it's nothing personal, my first thought is always what did I do wrong?

(Deleted comment)
Sep. 14th, 2015 10:51 pm (UTC)
I often don't know what to say in comments either, or, what's more common, someone else has already said pretty much what I wanted to say so I don't think that my input will really add anything to the conversation and although knowing that other people agreed with a comment can be helpful (esp. with advice) I have the impression that people don't like a lot of "me too"s.

If someone really wants to let you know why they removed you from their friends list they can always post a comment on your last entry. It might be nice to make it easier for people to give a reason, but it might also create angst for people who then feel obliged to give a reason but don't know how to word "you had kids and now your journal is boring" in a nice way. Or it could create more drama as altamira16 said.
Sep. 15th, 2015 01:16 am (UTC)
That link is very helpful, thank you.

I don't have much unfriending going on at my place. Whenever I add anyone it's always out of interest and we have something in common that we share and can talk about but when it comes to those who add me I add them back and not all of them interact.

I remember you adding me to your friends list when you found me in a community and I added you back right away and even though I never saw any thought from you on my journal it never bothered me a bit. I do find some of your posts really interesting specially when you talk about your kids.

In the end, it's people's journals and they do whatever pleases them with it. If anyone every unfriended me I'll just consider that thought that we didn't click. That's all.
Sep. 15th, 2015 01:51 am (UTC)
I just did that to mess with you.
Sep. 15th, 2015 08:56 am (UTC)
Huh, I have no such notifications sent up.

I haven't had many people unfriend me, mostly they've just gone silently dormant as dreamwidth and FB kill off LJ.
Sep. 15th, 2015 11:02 am (UTC)
I hate how social media sites have turned the word "friend" into something it's not. Often, we friend people because we have a shared interest, or because their response to someone's post was interesting. But you're not really friends at that point. That takes time, and doesn't always happen. Hell, it doesn't happen most of the time. Perhaps these "friends" decided that there was no future to your, I don't know, connection? That you'll never reach that indefinable moment when you just click.

But I wouldn't take it personally, or demand a reason. Best just to let it go. And looking at your profile, I'd say you have plenty of friends! :-)
Sep. 15th, 2015 12:24 pm (UTC)
Hey you just unfriended me but you seem cool. Did I tell you I couldn't friend you back for some reason? I've done that before because I have a stalker so I usually wait for a comment and then initiate contact after a friends request...but it seems I may have forgotten. I update a lot but if you want to be friends let me know and let's do this thang :)
Sep. 15th, 2015 04:33 pm (UTC)
I have no idea! is that bad? I don't know how we found each other or anything but sure let's try this thing again!
Sep. 15th, 2015 05:45 pm (UTC)
I think I would read the reasoning behind the unfriending out of curiosity, but something like, "You're boring," would probably hurt my feelings, not even going to lie. I remember early in my LJ days that a friend cleared off his friends list and then made a post explaining to each of us individually exactly why he had cut us and it honestly just seemed mean. Then again, that was public and your idea would be a private message. Still...I don't know. Sometimes I'm curious, but I usually just assume it's because I don't post enough or they're not interested in what I do post. I'd rather use my imagination, so I don't feel so stupid.
Sep. 15th, 2015 06:54 pm (UTC)
I hadn't thought about it, but I realized I created certain filters before friending you and never added you, so now I've added you. Feel free to go back and read through the madness. Or not. If you start reading and want out of the crazy filter, I can take you back off so that you just read about my art and my daughter. I'd totally understand.
Sep. 16th, 2015 09:39 pm (UTC)
you probably had me cos i probably put you on my list via friendsfriends at some point, i went through phases of adding everyone that seemed interesting and then phases of only keeping the people whose updates i really didn't want to miss and just going to the other interesting people's journals when bored (like about twice a day). i mostly stopped updating now, i aim for once a year, and i stuck in the phase of only keeping a very few people on my friends list. i never have made flocked posts, everything is public. but i still read your journal quite often.
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