Hi. I'm a working woman.
When I started my career out of college, I had nothing but stars in my eyes. I was going to run the world. I was going to climb the corporate ladder. I LOVED ladders! None of those aluminum fold-away ones for me, no sir, it was only the ones that went STRAIGHT TO THE TOP.
I quickly ascended the ranks, crushing the balls of all who opposed me. Then at 35 I realized ZOMG BABIES. I had to have babies. Dozens of them. Something clicked in me that I never saw coming. I started cranking out as many babies as possible, buying kegs of sperm off craigslist, grabbing babies off store shelves, every woman must have babies!
That's when I realized all the mistakes I'd made. I was surrounded by babies, working 160 hours a week as CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and I realized: I was trying to have it all. Yes. Work, AND a family.
Whyyyyy didn't anyone tell me that I couldn't have it all?! I mean, when a man graduates from college, he's already heard 5,000 times "just remember you can't have it all!" right? With that knowing wink? People keep it, like, a total secret from women! We never see stock photos of frazzled moms in heels screaming into their mobile phones while burning dinner! We're not raised in a society that constantly reminds us that the world is a scary place where we will lose our minds!
I totally hate my life now. It was really easy to just suddenly make $500,000 a year, but let me tell you now it is just so damn inconvenient! We need to focus more on women like me with problems, real problems! I blame those goddamn pushy feminists always telling us to work work work. They acted like they were speaking on behalf of women who had no choice but to work, but let's be honest, poor women's lives must be super easy compared with mine now.
Women, you can't have it all! If you get an MBA, you are trying to have it all! If you apply for a promotion when you're 25, you don't even know how your life will be when you MUST HAVE BABIES, you are trying to have it all! Be afraid of the future! Don't let those pushy bitches tell you to find a job you love, it will totally backfire! Find a job you hate! Then hate your life, and try to get a man who will support you to "lean out" of this crazy rat race while he seeks out a rewarding career and you surf pinterest for diet fads all day. You were given a brain for... well I don't know why. Don't use it too much ladies, it'll only make you miserable!
Disclaimer: This isn't real. I'm not a CEO, I'm an electrical engineer. l lead a team of about 10 people. I have two daughters who are cool, I work about 45 hours a week and like my job, I'm happy.
DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU!