Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

it's (probably going to be) a girl (again)!

Every year I order a book made from my livejournal entries for posterity's sake. Sometimes I worry that my kids will read them and think differently about me, like I certainly worried about that when I totally freaked out with my first pregnancy and wondered if this was all a good idea. But then I realized that someday my Josie might be having kids, freaking out, and will totally relate so no biggie.

Anyway baby #2... in my worry about whether it'd be healthy, I constantly let my mind wander into visualizing the future and my mind painted a picture of the baby as a bright, sweet little boy. I was really excited about learning the real differences between boy and girl brain development after spending a long time talking to a coworker about the joys of having kids of different sexes, I was excited about someone who could subvert the patriarchy from the inside, I was excited about the name I'd picked out... Cary George! There are so many famous actors named Cary, plus that awesome Joni Mitchell song about the mean old daddy who's outta sight, I was going to reclaim it for men, with a definitely manly middle name he could switch to in case he hates it, this was all planned out and just made me smile to think about.

Yeah it's another girl. Which is wonderful, of course, just a little different from what I'd pictured.

She's very healthy! Everything in the right place, two kidneys, all the right brain parts, arms, legs, fingers, face, tummy... it's a wonder all these parts just get into the right spots by magic, isn't it? The ultrasound tech was a great lady who laughed at all marc's jokes and just kept finding every part on the checklist until I asked her about the boy parts and she slowly showed us where they SHOULD be, and how the lines just weren't in the right place, and this was clearly a girl, and with that she typed "girl" on the ultrasound and hit the print button and well, there you go.

Marc still thinks the tech sounded "hesitant" and unsure and forced to make a call so even though he wanted another girl, he's kinda refusing to totally believe it and tell people until the baby actually comes out. That's fine with me anyway, there's always a chance that ultrasound techs are wrong. But in my mind, I'm swinging back around to the girl side and coming to terms with the fact that there will be no little boys for us.

I would entertain the idea of doing this all again but Marc says no way, we're stopping at two kids. I can't blame him since he's the one who winds up taking care of them all day while I escape to a warm office six weeks after they're born. And he probably thinks that we'd just keep having girls. Maybe some day we'll host a foreign exchange student or something, get a different experience that way.

Josie said she'd prefer a little sister but we also found out that she doesn't really know the difference between boys and girls anyway, we quizzed her on some favorite people ("is lizzie a girl or boy? is grandpa a girl or boy?") and she either refused to answer or guessed, with a 50% failure rate. Ya know, that's kinda cool that she doesn't even see that yet. The only one she got right was herself... "I'm a BIG girl" is the one true constant answer, with heavy emphasis on the most important fact that she is indeed big.

When I was in my 20s I wasn't sure if I wanted kids at all ever but I always said if I did have them, I'd want girls, so I could raise more awesome women engineers or form my own feminist militia or whatever. So my 20-year-old self would be thrilled with all these daughters!

And the other benefit: sisters. I was occasionally awful to my little sister at times throughout our childhood but once that wore off, we became closer than I'd ever be to a brother. That's the nice thing about having your kids be the same. All the picture frames you see in the mall that say "sisters", the greeting cards, the movies. The movies!

When I thought about my girl and boy and I pictured Jane & Michael Banks from Mary Poppins (it'd be just like that!) but when I think about SISTERS the pop culture gets to be so much deeper than that and into adulthood. Little Women. Fiddler on the Roof. A lot of Jane Austen. Suddenly it's not about me and my case-study-of-one brain development studies, it is about nurturing and passing on one of the most wonderful relationships I think two girls can have. That's a more wonderful thing for my mind to dwell on in my stressful pregnant times.

I just don't have any names for the poor child :)
Tags: pregnancy, spacebaby2

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