Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

  • Music:

rant on my feelings

Something is making me feel anxious and horrible. Maybe it's because I spent lots of time yesterday going to web sites of KC placement agencies, running searches with no keywords, and getting "no results found." Maybe it's because there's another bruise on my leg that I don't remember the cause of (honestly, who is beating me in the night?) Maybe it's because I worked out yesterday and my muscles are sore. Or it could just be PMS.

Mikey took me shopping for bowling shoes last night, but there weren't any for less than $30 so I chose not to buy. I mean, it's a 10 week league and shoe rental is $1, I'll just deal. Afterwards we went to Best Buy... I'd mentioned that I never got to see the harry potter movie but wanted to so Mike bought it on DVD. We went to his house and watched it because we don't have a DVD player in my house. Maybe that's another reason I feel anxious and awful? I'd thought about buying a DVD player for Father's Day once, but no one wanted to buy it but me and I'm the one with no income, so it'll have to be Christmas I guess. I am awful at Father's/Mother's day, always fail to come through with anything truly fantastic. Both holidays just frustrate me.

Haven't heard from Dave since... monday? Don't even really know where he is, havn't the foggiest idea how he's doing. Some seem to think that if I really loved him this fact would be visibly bothering me, but I'm not the type of person to be visibly bothered over missing someone. I checked IRC, I know he's alive, I'm not sure what I have to gain by worrying about it.

I haven't even really looked that hard for a job yet, why is it consuming me so much? I guess I'm admitting to myself that I'm going to run into the same problem as everyone else in IT: that even with everything I can do - the board level work, technical writing, web design, computer skills - nobody wants me. Nobody needs me. Or maybe they do need me but don't know it or care, so we're both screwed.

I told mum once that the thing that made me different from my friends and boyfriends was this: that I see a big city and feel awe-inspired and spiritual and know in my heart that it can be mine, that I can take it over. Whatever is out there... the cities, the country, the internet... it's all there for me to be on top of someday. I will play little games and win and lose but win the big one because of who I am and what I know I can accomplish. Confidence. Having that attitude got me the high grades in college, the major, the minors, the activities. In the end, reality is hard for us achievers, I really don't know how I'll feel about all of it in the end. I could start acting more normal and start telling myself that I'm not going to do Terribly Great Things in this world, that would be tough to accept but it'd make life easier.

But from where I stand now, I think it's all worth it. The inner self-doubt, the little failures, people telling me I'm stupid or self-centered. I might be, but it's gotten me this far. The alternative may be more reality-based, but no one ever won the game by facing facts early. The facts, disturbing as it may be, are never encouraging.
  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded