It got cancelled.
First off, I tell everyone in my online groups to just relax, no need for a doctor to confirm daily that your pregnancy is real or okay or still happening, we all just need to trust the odds and only worry about the things we can control (which at this stage is pretty much NOTHING). My doctor doesn't see OB patients until they hit the 8-10 week mark... which is a long wait, if you get a positive test before you've even hit 5 weeks. Some doctors do early dating ultrasounds, mine does not. With Josie I got to hear a heartbeat at my second appointment... 13 weeks. They couldn't find one at the 8 week one.
So this time I had a conflict last week so my appointment was at 9 weeks... hey, MUCH higher liklihood of finding a heartbeat with that doppler they use! I kinda got excited about it. Okay, no, I was counting down the days, posting to my facebook group, seeing their posts about finding heartbeats on home dopplers, imagining that I could tell some girls at work that it was "real", all that.
Then I was BAG IN HAND walking out the door and my phone rings. The computer system was down. Appointment cancelled. I was like "Can't we do anything? It's such a nothing appointment... can't I come in and see if they can find a heartbeat?" They forwarded me to the nurse's line, where I was allowed to LEAVE A VOICEMAIL. Oh, and rescheduled my appointment for next week. (Been waiting 5 weeks? Wait one more!)
I started just to drive into their office, insist that they try... then realized that was crazy. what was I expecting? they might not even find anything! Why couldn't I relax like I'd been telling everyone else to do?
Then it all sort of crashed in on me... I drove back home, curled up on the couch, and sobbed for 45 minutes.
I don't know what about. I guess I was just way more worked up than I thought I'd be about some little confirmation, even if it's my second baby, it's a baby, I want to know something... everything is so vague and slow-moving and confusing, still. having gone through it before made it a little better, but not, as I'd thought, completely stress-free.
I really wanted to hear that heartbeat, dammit.
I called mom. Dad answered the phone, and said she wasn't there. I said everything's fine, just wanted to talk, no biggie, tell her hi for me.
I thought about seeing if my home-mom neighbor friend was around, but she's been there emotionally for me a LOT lately and it's getting really one-way, because I seem to be mostly unstable, so I didn't call her.
Instead I decided to go to sonic and get some cheddar bites to see if I could eat my feelings... this actually took a long time to decide on, I went through LISTS of food in my head trying to find one that'd make me feel better. chocolate? no. hamburgers? no. anything, I thought, I owe myself anything!
While at Sonic the nurses called back and said I could come in for "fetal heart tone", but by that time I'd talked myself down, and at 9 weeks I barely even have a fetus, I'm borderline embryo, that's why they might not find a heart beat. So I said I was going to be okay, apologized for freaking out, said I could wait a week. She asked if I was sure (since let's face it, the odds of me SOUNDING okay on the phone were pretty low) and said I could really come in any time. But with my luck I figured they'd find nothing, and then I'd feel like a real idiot, so I just came to work.
where... I am useless. I'm having tea and blogging, how's that for productivity?
just a lot of emotional crap right now, hormones can't be helping. what a bad day.