Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

nut case

I'm fuming as I write this. Fuming and crying, so it'll be an interesting entry, because I can't really see the words.

Had night class tonight: Network Systems. Usually I really enjoy that class because it's one of the few opportunities us EETs have to really discuss computers; we talk about the OSI model, network topology, protocols, basics like that. But this week my professor declares that we're going to the Adecco information session - they're doing a schpeil about their company to recruit graduates and the like. Fine, whatever, we'll get out of class early.

I sit in the session and twitch.

This is the epitome of a company I'd rather die than work for. They're the fourth largest employer in the entire world, they pull kids out of college like they're nothing, buy their puny little lives for $40K a year and offer job security in exchange for identity. This is exactly like the company I worked for last summer, which will remain nameless.

Time for that story, huh?

I had an internship this summer at a major engineering firm, let's just say that. They build power plants. Over 3,000 employees in Kansas City alone, plus over 60 offices worldwide in places like Bhurma and Japan. I was a number. I was also their mistake: my department thought they'd have projects starting in April to keep June/July interns busy, as it turned out nothing made it through the red tape by then and I wasn't given anything to do, and this was supposed to be okay. They certainly didn't care, didn't mind paying me $12 an hour to sit around and do nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are worse things in life than having a secure, well paying job that doesn't require much brain power. But this is my life. I was miserable. I would rather die than go to work for the rest of my life at a place like that, where blowing thousands of dollars means nothing, where if I died in a car accident they not only wouldn't think to replace me, but probably wouldn't even notice I was gone for a good week and half. I want to matter in life. I'm smart enough to make a difference, I want to go somewhere and make a difference, dammit. I'm sick of all the material bullshit I grew up around, I'm sick of being happy with security, there's more to life than security, okay?


And I'm sitting in this info session watching all these nodding heads around me- about 60 I'd say- thinking about the great car they're going to have and how great it'll be to just exist in the world without thinking of how their lives matter. And I'm thinking that something's wrong with me, that I can't be happy. What the hell do I want from life? Is it the complicated? Am I just spoiled, that money and a dental plan aren't enough?

I want a job where I matter... I hate myself now for being so different, and for seeming so stupid and for feeling so uncomfortable just sitting there watching all the people in khaki pants rant on and on in front of a powerpoint presentation about how great the economy is and how big the cattle call is this year. Sometimes I wonder if I'm dumb for feeling like I'm better than all those people. It's not that I want more, it's that I want different, why doesn't anyone fucking understand me?

This is October. In May I get my degree and I'm supposed to go out into the world and do what I'm supposed to do, because that's what everybody does.

i'm just really scared. i just want someone to take me away from all of this.

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