Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

thoughts by the unemployed

So Dave is here. Turns out he's been sort of worried about our future lately, which I find rather amusing because only recently have I not been worried about our future.

This weekend made me really feel like there's a lot for me in Kansas City. My whole extended family is here, friends are here, job opportunities keep popping up here through connections... it's just where I'm supposed to be. And once I decided that I found a lot of peace within myself. Around this time last week I'd decided on Des Moines - and I felt nothing but doubt and anxiety about why I'd be moving and what I'd be moving too. The idea of looking for jobs in two cities is all well and good, but in reality you really have to live in a city to find a good job there. I wasn't planning on finding a place in Des Moines until I had a job and I knew I could look for a week while crashing on Dave's couch and come back if nothing turned up, but even that meant putting KC plans on hold, big time. I feel good about things now. I feel safe. I'll turn in applications in Des Moines, but I'll be working hard to find a job in KC at the same time. I'm guessing it'll be easier to get something lined up here.

I also feel more independent. It's not that I don't care about Dave or our relationship, but I've officially decided to do my own thing now and not worry about the fact that he's running off. Yes, I'm hoping for the best here, but if things don't work out I'm just not going to be as heartbroken as I was a week ago. I tried to explain this to Dave in a way that sounded like I wasn't giving up on us but it's all difficult to put into words. Part of me does feel more distant than him. The part of me that was angry at him for moving away now just doesn't care. I love Dave, I always want to be his best friend, but I have changed and now that I've accepted this I need to figure out a way to word it so he'll understand how.

I'm really tired tonight. Need to unpack and go to bed. I'm moody from the long car drive. Maybe I'll feel differently about all this tomorrow, but until then I'm here being a girl who is fine trading away confidence in the people around her for confidence in herself.
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