Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,
Spacefem
spacefem

clone meeeeeee!

I SAW STAR WARS I SAW STAR WARS I SAW STAR WARS!!!

You won't believe what I had to go through though! First, let me say that the town were I live has the worst theater ever. Awful popcorn, horrible sound/video quality, and the seats were invented in hell. So it was obvious we'd have to go to Joplin to see it. Dave had to get his driver's licence renewed before Sunday, so we missed the 4:15 show. By the time we showed up to get tickets at 5:00, the 7:00 and 7:15 shows were sold out. Dave had finals to study for, so we decided to go out for dinner and ditch the movie thing. He felt bad, but I told him I didn't mind, it wasn't the first time I'd missed opening day of Star Wars for a boyfriend. Although, last time it happened I ended up dumping the guy. Hmm.

Well, I got back to my room after a wonderful dinner at Olive Garden and just couldn't sit still... I really wanted to see Star Wars. Really a lot. So I called the theater here for showtimes. There was an 8:00 show that wasn't sold out yet! This was at like 7:20! I was so excited I decided to just ditch Dave (I called him first to see if it was okay) and go myself. To make sure I looked like a real dork instead of just a girl with friends were were going to meet her there, I wore the glow-in-the-dark Star Wars t-shirt and everything (it's a boys size large... fits horribly. But I love it!)

Bought my ticket, sat down, watched some previews. It's funny how those have a way of making you forget what movie you're seeing. Anyway, those got done and all the sudden the theme music starts and the Star Wars logo is up on the screen and I just wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time... I was so excited that I'd made it!

So for your enjoyment, here's the offical Spacefem review of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

Okay, movie opens on everybody's favorite capital planet. Queen Amidala's term ran out on queenhood so she's been demoted to senator now, and Anakin is a full-fledged Jedi in training. Issues already present: Someone's out to kill Amidala and Anakin's in an apprentice-master relationship from hell. Obi-wan is a bit jealous and keeps trying to put Ani in his place by calling him "Young One" and "cute widdle not-quite-jedi" in front of all his friends. Oh, master! And Anakin is a prick. Total poser, thinks he's all yoda and a bag of chips.

So our two destined to hate one another jedi ("Sometimes, Anakin, I think you're going to be the death of me!" - Obi-Wan) are given the assignment of babysitting Natalie Portman. Anakin wants to pull on OJ and focus on finding the real killers, Obi wants to sit tight and not do anything risky. They both lose, because as they're fighting about the situation she's attacked by Big Worms (tm) and they barely storm into her room in time to save her. Then Anakin is all like, "Senator, I'll just have to sleep with you to keep you safe!". Just kidding. But you can tell he's thinking that because it's all he talks about... I want the senator this, I must have senator lovin' that. They should really teach Jedi knights mind control in the first year so they can try to get a handle on their own. Anakin isn't even trying.

So to keep the senator extra safe, it's decided that she and Anakin should go off along together to a place where she can wear backless, braless outfits all the time and they can frolic in fields and sit by open fires. Good idea! They're off.

Obi-Wan, who can't be that sad to be rid of that brat of an apprentice he adopted ten years ago, decides to find the real killer by tracking the source of a tiny dart used to kill an almost-informative assasin woman (she planted the big worms! aaahh!). He talks to a very funny restaurant owner in a futuristic waffle house who tells him of a planet that the jedi librarian denies existance of. Yoda tells him to go find the planet, which turns out to be a lot like seatle in that it rains all the time and everyone is seven feet tall. Wait, I've never been to Seatle. Maybe it doesn't rain all the time.

The freaky-tall things invite Obi-Wan in with open arms and tell him all about the clone army they've been creating in their spare time. They found a guy they liked (Jango Fett) and made a bunch of boring non-individualistic hims (this is sounding more like Seatle, you've got to admit it) to be in an army. In return, he got lots of money (see?) and requested that one 100% clone be made of himself. Boba Fett! He's a little kid, pretty cute too, but evil like Dad.

Jango realizes that Obi-Wan isn't the friend in need the tall people think he is, so he skips the planet to see his sith boss. Obi-Wan follows.

Meanwhile, back at the Naboo ranch, Amidala tells Anakin that she doesn't want to make out anymore (she can't balance a family and a career and neither can he. it's tough, but hey) which really tears him up. He's way weaker than she is. Men. Sigh. So then he gets to worrying about another woman in his life... dear old Mom. He convinced Amidala to go back home with him to check on the future in-laws, er, his mom.

Life's been tough for Shmi. She was sold again, married her owner, and was kidnapped by tuskin raiders while out hunting for 'shrooms in the dawn's early light. Anakin meets his half-brother and girlfriend, who he finds really boring, and decides to go find Mom. He finds her, but she dies in his arms. Isn't that always the way? So he takes a lightsaber to the entire camp of raiders... kills the men, the women, the children, some dog things, a few rocks, and probably some jawas that were in the way (we'll never know).

Upon returning to his stepdad's house, R2D2 has a message to send. Obi-Wan is in trouble! He's been captured by evil ones and is being held aloft in blue light. Anakin doesn't really care, but Amidala wants to help out so she convinces them to go find him.

They do, but then they get captured too after a long tough battle scene in an obviously non-OSHA approved manufacturing facility. Dang that Count Dooku! He decides to have a public ceremony to feed the three not-heroes to big funny animals.

Meanwhile, Yoda and the homeboys get Obi-Wan's message about trouble. Mace Windu decides to take all the Jedi on a field trip to save him and Yoda goes to Seatle to see the new clones.

Our three heroes manage to knock out the Big Funny Animals that are supposed to eat them, but just when you think they've won, destroyer droids show up. Always at the wrong time!

Then there's Mace Windu to the rescue! And he's got Jedi... there are many colours of the jedi rainbow, yes, and they're all here disguised as stadium maniacs ready to kick ass.

But oh no... Dooku has a clone army of Droids!

But oh yes... Yoda shows up just in time with the clone army of Fetts!

Battle battle, clash clash clash, Amidala is the only good guy without a light saber, etc. Jango Fett gets killed, and in a touching scene we see his young son clutch his father's helmet to his skull, knowing deep in his heart that his family is out of the script until Episode V. Even then, no lines.

Obi-Wan and Anakin run after Dooku where they have an old-fashioned knock-'em-down "I hate when my shwartz gets twisted" jedi fight. No good... Dooku learned that "shoot lighting from your fingers" trick, knocks Obi-Wan down, and cuts off Anakin's arm. So who shows up? Yoda! And he's a pissed little green guy who can do all the tricks... lightning, moving stuff, saber fights... he rocks! Get a little force in the old man and it's incredible. He's all computer animated in this movie, and I wasn't sure how to feel about that until this scene, where I understood how hard it'd be to toss a muppet around like crazy.

But Dooku gets away. Drat.

So we've got that classic "not an ending" ending. Mace is all happy but Yoda tells him to sit tight because "the clone war has just begun... and the next movie may have an even worse title." Anakin and Amidala get married, which will make things tough. He's got a new arm but the fingers are all mechanical... not smooth! And the One Ring has barely started on its journey into the fires of Mount Doom, it's really too bad they lost Boromir like that.

Oops, sorry, wrong movie there for a second.

All in all, this Star Wars Episode II was incredible. No comparison to Episode I there at all... there was plot, for one thing, and a couple good performances. And let's face it, the more yoda we see in any movie, the better it's going to be. The more Steve Buscemi we see in any movie, the better it's going to be. Oh wait he wasn't in this one! I'd suggest it for part III though.

Amidala is finally a decent female character. She's still no Carrie Fisher, but she's great at her job and knows what she wants. There's finally something to the Anakin character too... more to like, more to hate, less to be annoyed with. And yes, Dave, there's less Jar Jar.

So go see Episode II! Take it from Spacefem, it's worth it :) My back is killing me from those awful seats and will be tomorrow too, but at least I got to see Star Wars. Smile for me.
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