Our local paper, The Wichita Eagle, has a feature called Opinion Line where people can e-mail in anonymous one-liners to express their true feelings about the way the world is. It's like a car wreck every day... you don't want to read it, but you can't look away. Everyone agrees that it's more amusing than the comics section, and at the same time more appalling than anything on the front page and dumber than anything in the celebrity news.
I love it.
Anyway at the end of the year they always come out with a Best of Opinion Line list, which is a contradiction in terms, but whatever. This way we can all look back and gawk at the loving things Wichitans have to say.
For example, there's our love for Wichita and the surrounding area:
Is Wichita getting fatter or is everybody trying out for the Kansas City Chiefs' offensive line?
Forget Arizona. Let's put up a fence around Wichita to keep the Butler County drivers out.
The ongoing controversy (it's gone on for YEARS, seriously) about how it's trashy to leave Christmas lights up all year round:
I leave my Christmas lights up year-round. I need them to find my way home after leaving the bars.
If your inflatable Santa Claus is deflated and lying in your front yard next to the cooler that held your fishing worms last summer, your neighbors would appreciate it if you'd put both away.
And advice for new parents:
New mothers: Rethink giving your kids some made-up name that no one can spell or pronounce. How is it going to look on the police report a few years down the road?
Last year 4 of 10 American births were to unmarried mothers. In the future, I guess if you call someone a bastard, four times out of 10 you're going to be right.
A condom is much easier to change at 2 a.m. than a diaper.
And everything else:
Unless some charity sends me address labels pretty soon, I will run out by the year 2024.
If you do not understand self-checkout, then wait in line with the other old people.
You know it's cold out when Democrats have their hands in their own pockets.
Awesome! For more community pride, the whole lists are here: