When we travel as a group, we travel as a group. There's one rental car. We're escorted everywhere in these facilities. We go to dinner as a group. There's no "hang out by yourself alone" time. This makes lactating a bit complicated. I can't sneak off and pump, I'm going to have to Make Arrangements. It'll be noticable.
And if we stay overnight, I'll have to pump 4-5 times a day, and just dump all the milk. And Josie will have to eat freezer stash... Marc will have to take the time to heat up a bottle for her 3am feeding. Gaaaah.
I'm thinking about not going. I mean, we'll be covered, I don't have to go, I can likely get the information I need from other folks. It just sucks because I enjoy traveling for work. I also feel like I'm plunging into this stereotype about working moms not being as dedicated. I'm really afraid that the guys are going to think I want to stay home for emotional reasons, because I'll just miss my baby way too much... in truth I'd kinda love a night away from the baby! She still doesn't sleep through the night... I wonder if my body even remembers solid sleep?
Every time I've missed something this summer, people have pinned it on these abstract bullshit reasons instead of understanding that it's a physical issue. Like, I physically make milk! And I physically had a baby! When Josie was like two weeks old a friend of mine said I should come to her house and pick some stuff up, I told her that wasn't practical and asked if she could come drop it off. She was like, "Well we'll work something out eventually I'm sure I bet it's hard for you to get out these days, packing a diaper bag and all!" She was serious. I started to type back, "Actually it's got nothing to do with diapers, I'm afraid to leave the house because I just went to pee and a monster blood clot fell out of me onto my bathroom floor, and I'm not sure how you'd react to something like that if it happened in your house. And if I sit on a car seat for more than fifteen minutes I'm in tears from the swelling that starts back up around my stitches. Toodles!"
I didn't send her that. I just left it at my previous "this week is bad" response.
I guess maybe I shouldn't care what people think. I shouldn't have to explain the logistics of breastfeeding to every engineer on this project. I should just tell them "sorry, I can't get away yet" and if they think it's my touchy-feely womanhood, fine. And maybe if I explained it, they still wouldn't really be with me on my decision to stay home... after all pumping five times a day isn't impossible. Just very very annoying. And taking time away from the group will be awkward, especially since I can't make it discrete like I do at the office. But it's possible.
I just don't want to do it. Maybe I'm not committed enough to my project.
Part of me misses the thoughtless days.