Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,
Spacefem
spacefem

new years, sewing projects, sick of winter

I didn't post yesterday because I couldn't think of anything wonderful to say about 2010. I did have a nice new years eve at my friends house, there was a good group over there. Marc had to DJ someplace so I sort of rang in the new year alone but it's not a first for us, that's sort of the curse of marrying a DJ I guess!

I decided I am officially sick of sparkling white grape juice. Parties I go to have it around a lot, it seems, because not everyone drinks and it's nice for us non-drinkers to have something sparkly to raise with the rest of the group. But with the holidays, I've had a lot of the stuff over the past month. And it is not champagne. I really can't wait until I can drink again.

I felt pregnant at that party. I felt like my sweater didn't fit right. The night before, I tried wearing this cute flannel shirt I have with snaps, and the snaps didn't hang right. My weight hasn't increased but my girth has. Realizing all this made me remember that I have to go to work next week, and my work pants really weren't fitting right before break, so I looked online for maternity pants which was a disaster. I can't buy pants at normal stores, I special order them, usually from J. Crew (favorite), Eddie Bauer or Land's End. But those places don't have maternity. So I googled around and tried JC Penny, RG Maternity, Tall Girl Shop... they were all out of stock. Gap has talls, but not in maternity. Their normal "long" size is 2" too short for me, but "talls" adds length and I can wear them.

I got the idea in my head to make some maternity pants. I've never made nice work pants before, but I realized that it was only because the tops of pants are tricky... zippers, waistbands, tailored fit around the waste. Well maternity has none of that! So I got inspired, went out and got some gabardine and some stretch knit. I used a pattern I already had. I worked until late at night, then went to sleep before I could finish the bottom hem. But I was already really pleased with how the gabardine was laying.

In the morning I checked weather because I had an airplane. It would be another no-go day. This really depressed me. I haven't flown at all these past two weeks.

Finishing the slacks, a tiny spot got in the way of my vision, like I'd stared at a lightbulb too long. It spread. I was seeing the sparkly colors, like when I had migraines three years ago. I laid down. Then, feeling worried, I asked marc to take me to immediate care because when I used to get migraines things would be weird for me. I'd get confused, I'd go numb, I'd lose communication ability. But immediate care was BOOKED full of sick people and I wasn't feeling any weirder, so we just went home and I laid down. That was at noon. At 5, I woke up feeling headachy. I wouldn't say it was a horrible migraine headache, but it was bad enough that I felt terrible.

And depressed. Another unproductive day. A sign that maybe my migraines were back. I thought of my pilot's license, and how close it had felt before break, and how I didn't see a clear path to it now. Between weather and my feeling progressively worse, I felt hopeless. I still feel sort of hopeless. Why keep checking weather every day, if I could just get sick and not be able to fly? And the weather never cooperates anyway?

I still have a headache now but marc went out and got me some tylenol and it helped a little... obviously, if I'm on the computer. But I still feel really sad. And not myself. I'm thinking maybe it's just winter blues, or cabin fever, because it's so cold and gray and I haven't been to work in two weeks. I need my routine. When I got up every day and went to work, pregnancy wasn't making me nauseous or giving me headaches. There was lots to think about. I didn't feel guilty about not making time to do the dishes.
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