Yes friends I am pregnant. It all started one fateful weekend when I posted a closed-off entry about how late my period was to a few lj friends told me to take one of those drugstore test (okay if you want to be scientific, it obviously started before that but I can't pinpoint anything, so let's move on). Anyway, test I did. Then I spent the next two months being a neurotic crazy mess of a psycho, constantly worrying about what the hell was going on. Oh who am I kidding, I'm still neurotic and worried about what the hells going on. I worry about not being ready for parenthood. I worry about the health of whatever's growing inside me. I worry about the fact that I don't "feel" pregnant.
Usually, Marc balances this out... aka the husband who does not worry about anything. I could give birth to a chimpanzee in June and he'll just go with it.
So after all this fear why am I making this public? Well it's been a crazy week... Thursday I went to the doctor for the second time. I'd gone in last month, at my two-month mark, and they'd tried to hear a heartbeat but nothing. They didn't even confirm the pregnancy for me, just took my word for it, took some blood, sent me on my way with a pastel baggy of hospital information.
I was afraid this appointment would be equally unsettling. I went in and the PA said there wasn't much to do, she went over my labs with me and told me exciting facts they'd learned, like, "You don't have gonorrhea!" Then had me lay back and took out a handheld doppler and tried to have it make whatever sounds it could detect from the flat area under my naval. We heard my heartbeat again, slow and regular and distant. And then another one... faster, louder, strong and INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS. "There ya go, there's baby." It was 160 bpm or so, just crunching away in there.
I froze. I was trying to hold so still because every breath I took was loud on the doppler, I didn't know how to make my muscles relax, I was totally caught off guard and had no idea what to do. She had me get up and asked if I had anything else I wanted to talk about. I just shook my head. I left. I got in my car and drove down the street.
And it was funny because I actually had lots of things I'd thought to bring up... why am I so anxious all the time, why are my sleep patterns messed up, why did I almost puke in the parking lot at the office last night? But it was GONE, my mind was blank and clear and wordless. I couldn't say anything.
Driving down the road I also remembered that I was supposed to get my damn H1N1 vaccine! I've been so worried about it lately, and I was scheduled to get one and they forgot, how could I let that happen?! I drove back and sat back in the waiting room and they got the immunization ready.
Am I perfectly unworried and relaxed now, knowing that I made it through a whole trimester and have real evidence of pregnancy? Nah not really. But I feel different somehow, like no matter what happens I've had this tiny experience and it means something huge for me. Besides that I'm starting to really believe it's happening, and that my odds are good! Odds of having a good pregnancy, a healthy baby, and it's something I'm really looking forward to.
Marc has told at least half of the greater Wichita area because he SUCKS at keeping secrets, he keeps coming home on weekends from bars and muttering "um I might have told a few more people" but I've really kept the news to myself, I keep imagining having to tell people that things didn't work out right. For some reason now I don't care so much. I'm just happy. I might as well get the news out while I've got the nerve.
So to summarize:
- I'm three months pregnant, or if you've done this before, 13 weeks.
- I'm due June 11
- I've NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE IT'S SO FREAKY
- No sonogram pictures yet, I might get one in February or so
- I'm still flying! Oh yes, my doctor cleared me and said I can fly through APRIL so go me.
- If you want the whole stressful story as it unraveled, click the "pregnancy" tag
Wish me luck. Keep us in your thoughts. Whatever this is it's going to be an adventure, yes?