Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

my cylon awakening

lately I've been feeling really weird and primal about the whole pregnancy thing.

I mean... I live in a pretty evolved, controlled world. My alarm clock wakes me up, I pour quaker oats into a bowl, mix it with water from the tap and microwave it. I put on store-bought clothes. I drive my car to the office and draw schematics for airplanes. I go to lunch and the waiter brings out what I order from the menu. You get the picture. It's all choices I make, based on the world that other humans have set up. It's all great ideas.

But pregnancy is totally biological and very much out of my control, it's just sort of happening. That in itself sort of weirds me out... it's going to be uncomfortable and life-changing and I have very little power over what's going on with my own body. I just know that some part of me really wants it to go well, and wants to be hopeful, and worries.

So the next question is this: how'd I get here? Why did I choose this? Why am I stepping outside of my manufactured world comfort zone? You could say that it started because Marc and I were happily married... but then why did I get married? Why did I fall in love with Marc in the first place? Why did I get crushes on men, and date for years, and love sex? I have a strange feeling that without knowing it, I was being set up for reproduction through some very primal instinct. It's a bad feeling. I hear songs on the radio now, just the typical "girl I see you dancing at the club and I want to do you" kinda songs, and I think of animal mating rituals. I'm afraid we're programmed.

There's this show Battlestar Galactica (the newer-ish one people not the crap one) where robots have gotten so good at making other robots they can make them act human, look human, and even think they're human. So people will live these normal lives then suddenly get beamed to the mothership and see all these copies of themselves and realize they're just another Model 8. And they're always really freaked out that this whole time, their every move was part of some robot mothership plan... they're not who they thought they were. It might sound totally ass nuts as hell but I feel like it's happening for me. Am I an electrical engineer, pilot, American, internet fan? Or strange conglomeration of cells doing their own thing, independent of me?
Tags: pregnancy
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