Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

on feelings, changes, eating and other cliches

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and here's how I feel:

1) Oddly weirded out that I have not had my period in two months. I notice it. I miss it. It's always happened, it was a cycle... sure, a pain in the vag cycle that meant having to put a towel down for sexy time but it was part of me. It was a renewal, a sort of "out with the old" that spelled out potential. I have never ever thought this deeply about my period.

2) Tired. My sleep schedule still isn't really normal. Even if I get 9 hours, I still get run down in the afternoons in the office, and have resorted to more than one "bathroom nap", I gotta admit it. I'm about to start parking my car in secluded places to pass out. I still frequently wake up at 3 am for no reason and take an hour, or two, or infinity, to get back to sleep... those days are really tough.

3) Confused about this natural childbirth thing. I could write a whole lj entry just on that debate... but I think I'll wait until I go public with this, so I can get all the opinions. I read in pregnant that some women even refuse blood transfusions... that was a question I was asked at my first prenatal, if I'd be willing to get one. I was like, "What a weird question, of course if I need a blood transfusion I should get one!" Is this controversial or something? I didn't think there was much choice involved in blood transfusions normally... you either need one or you don't!

4) Very aware of my abdominal region. Okay, you know how you can sometimes push your tummy out and make it look pregnant? Well this'll sound weird but I can't anymore. My lower stomach-region sticks out a little bit, like I'm sticking it out, all the time. But it's firm. Relaxing my muscles doesn't make it fatty and jiggly, flexing my muscles doesn't make it go out anymore, they don't do anything. I can't suck it in. It has nothing to do with eating, it's there when I wake up in the morning, and just stays stuck there in one position. Toward the end of the day I really feel it... stretchyness, soreness, weirdness.

5) Hungry. I keep increasing my breakfast intake and it keeps not helping. I've never taken well to being hungry... I get moody. But now when I'm hungry I feel REALLY moody, like, unable to hold up a conversation. I hit a real low point this week... I went to Arby's, got a chicken sandwich, ate it, and felt hungry. STILL. SO I WENT TO MCDONALDS. AND ATE A CHICKEN SANDWICH. I know I'm not supposed to be "eating for two", you're only supposed to need an extra 300 or so calories a day. I'm not gaining any weight, is that a sign it's okay? I felt really guilty. And not even all that full. I consider two lunches in a row to be a real low point. At least I had them hold the mayo on that mcchicken.

What else? Still haven't told any coworkers because it's too early, but the other day I was asking way too many questions about childbirth and they might be accidentally catching on. A guy's wife is pregnant, due in late December, and I'm deathly curious about all that. Yesterday he wanted to know why. I was like, "no reason just having conversation, you know!" he shook his head. I gotta watch it.

I spend 1/3 of my time worried that the kid has, like, no legs or something, or only half a brain because the arby's roast beef I cracked and ate two weeks ago wasn't quite hot enough to kill the listeria. 1/3 of the time feeling confident that it'll all be fine and we're going to have a great baby, then I'm excited. 1/3 of the time wondering whose idea this all was, did I want a baby? The early conversations are really blurry.

Anyway no going back, since I'm at 10 weeks from most things I've read I have a real-life fetus now. About the size of a shot glass, and no longer has a TAIL, and has lots of internal organs that are starting to do their thing. Which is why, when I go in to my doctor after thanksgiving, I should be able to hear a heartbeat. Fingers crossed, people.
Tags: pregnancy
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