Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

zombie baby

marc and I have decided, several times, that 2010 would be a nice year to have a baby. we don't tell people this, I've never written about it (and this entry is sealed off to the special people, so wrapsies, folks) but it's been the decision. he's totally game. so now's the time to be having sex without birth control. I went off the pill in January actually, we've just been using condoms, so the option is ours. My doctor told me to take a one-a-day vitamin, and I have been. So now's the time. Yup, now.

Except I'm scared to death. He's game, for whatever reason, very excited about having a baby but supportive of whatever I want to do. And I want to do this. I want to be a mom, I'd be a great one. Our baby will be good looking, smart, and cool as hell. I'm surrounded by people who will be THRILLED for us. I just turned 29. We're financially stable. Our two year anniversary is a few weeks away, and we're still in love like crazy people. If we can't conceive I'd like to know earlier than later.

Still scared to death. My job hasn't helped... the idea of getting laid off and having no insurance, or having to go to job interviews all knocked up. But in reality, my odds of getting laid off are slim. And if I do get laid off we will have to buy health insurance... COBRA or something... might as well make use of it. Okay, that's worked out.

Oh wait, still scared to death. Scared that my life, which I enjoy very much, is changing. Scared that a baby will stress us out and screw up our happy marriage. DEFINITELY scared of being pregnant. And childbirth! I've never been admitted to a hospital, never needed stitches, and now I'll need someone to sew my vag back together? This is the worst idea ever! All these things run through my head and before we know it I'm re-stocking condoms all over the apartment, you know how it is, you have the bedroom ones, but also the under-the-couch ones, kitchen ones, all those?

Scared that I'll be too nauseated to continue flying lessons. But I did do some reading, and plenty of women fly while knocked up. Actually it'd be kind neat to say my kid had some left-seat hours before even leaving the womb.

I feel alone in this. All my adult life, there have been these other women who are just so excited to get pregnant, love going to baby showers, watch those stupid shows on TLC, and I thought someday that would magically kick in for me and I'd be ready for motherhood. Motherhood is something I want, but I don't think I will be ready for it, and that's tough to face. I'll have to go in unready, if it's going to happen at all.

We should just drop the birth control and go for it! I mean, what couple gets pregnant on their first try? Odds are it's going to take months, or maybe won't even happen, and then we'll just adjust our lives accordingly and love the guinea pigs that much more.

This is horrible.

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