Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

I'll be older soon, now I'm me

Okay, when you tell a graduating senior this:

"You might just have to find a job you weren't planning on as much. Pay your dues. It's okay if your dreams don't come true the second you get out, or the month, or the decade..."

What she hears is this:

"What's the matter with you? You can't just expect to be happy, are you insane?"

I mean jeebus, ever since I came up with the idea of the professional freelance thing do you know how many people have told me I'll never make it? It was just an idea! Plus, it's not like I'm saying I want to be a rock star or an actress or the freaking president of the united states... how does anyone ever get to be that? By purchasing earplugs at Sam's club to avoid all the people in the world telling them they can't do it, that's what I'm guessing.

The thing is, paying my dues at some big faceless company wouldn't bother me a bit if I thought it would put me on the road to fulfillment. But I don't think it will. I think it'll put me on the road to mediocracy, like the people I worked with this summer. Get your paycheck. Feed your kids. Have a coffee break. That was your life, aren't you happy, you had security... and now you're dead.

but i digress...

This week's used purchase (I'm addicted in the worst way) was The Crow on VHS. $1.50 plus $3.00 s&h, go figure! I had to get it, it would take me back to a time in my life I find both influential and amusing. Summer, 1994. I would start high school that fall. Kurt Cobain killed himself in March. Our parents called him a waistoid but to us he was saying something (what I don't know, when you're 14 you don't have to know things like that). We weren't quite in the freaky gothic era yet though, it was sort of a depressed grunge. My parents bought me a guitar, partially because I wanted to lead sunday school music at my church, partly because they hoped if I had something to do I wouldn't hang out with the anti-christ who lived down the street named Kristen. I still hung out with her. We played Magic: The Gathering and tried to seek the truth. Empowerment. Anti-establishment. Anti-soccer-mom too because our neighborhood was full of these awful gossipy women who did nothing but talk about how bad we were.

14 is an awkward age. Everyone does bad things when they're 14. Our activities were not that bad; looking back I wonder why my parents and the soccer moms were concerned because compared to some other kids at my school I was an angel. There were no drugs involved. I never drank. I wasn't having sex or getting in fights. We snuck out a couple times but jeez, all that meant was that we were running lose in the suburbs at night.

And we watched The Crow. and listened to the soundtrack. movies & songs about how society was messed up and the artists of the world needed to find something real and sacred. It'd be interesting to be in my old brain for a day. I thought I was very tough back then, that's one thing I've lost. I was sure of everything, all I knew was truth.

I suppose, in a way, I am still like that but with a different Truth. I don't base it on rebelion for one thing. I think of my relationships more logically. Finally being good at math did that to me - in the 8th grade I was still awful at math, I never really got anything until geometry & pre-calc, then it settled in to place. Weird, huh?

Oh, and those soccer moms? Their perfect kids grew up to be potheads. I know, I'd hang out at the pool this summer and listen to the highschoolers talk about how high they'd gotten the night before. I bet their moms still think they're perfect... good thing they aren't like those teenagers a few years back, huh? Yeah. Suburbs.
Tags: childhood
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