Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

the wedding, the marriage, and the balancing act

Here's why I feel weird journaling about The Wedding.

First, I've been single for 27 years, and for a long time have felt irritated by the fact that our culture sends this "you shouldn't be single" message out all the time. Getting married makes me feel like part of that, and I want to wave a flag to all my single friends out there that says, "GO YOU."

Second, I don't like princess dresses, roses, Canon in D, script fonts, forcing bridesmaids to shell out cash to prove friendship, the electric slide, diamonds, matching shoes, etc. So many things about weddings are just nauseating. I need to avoid buying into that as much as possible. I'm a member of one wedding-related community: antibride.

Third... it's like Christmas.

Stick with me here, I've thought about this a lot.

Christmas is a giant corporate over-commercialized consumption holiday that I struggle every year to keep in perspective and remind people what it's all about. Even some "deeper meanings" of Christmas miss the point entirely... it's not about families getting together, or being thankful for turkey, or the spirit of giving.

Christmas is about God sending us a human through which we establish a divine connection to the kingdom of heaven. This phenomenon is something so mysterious and amazing that the idea of us capturing the whole thing with presents, snowmen, and pagan-inspired decorations isn't just silly, it's sort of insulting.

Now, I still do all that... I still give presents and put up a tree because they represent something special and memorable, and in a way they help me think about Christmas by just keeping it in my head for a whole month. I love getting together with my family and celebrating each other and what we have, along with the true meaning of Christmas. But I always wonder if we're getting it right... I always feel sad that some of the meaning gets overshadowed by 20-packs of adhesive bows. I've always struggled to find the balance... material things work great when you want to keep something on your mind all the time, but they also dilute something deeper that doesn't exist in that same space of your soul at all.

Marrying Marc is a lot like that. I worry that people don't understand us. I worry that people see this as a natural, society-endorsed thing to do. I worry that they're all coming to the wedding to see what everyone is wearing. And I mean really, there's a lot to see, we want it to be big, we want it to be obvious that this is an incredibly important day, and we want visual reminders of that, everywhere. But there's also something that I won't be able to convey through whatever colors I pick for the buffet napkins, and that's the fact that I truly believe that God has put Marc and I together for a reason, and that by us being together there is a divine connection between us and the kingdom of heaven. Like Christmas.

I mean, the man made me fall in love when I thought the only thing for me was distance and cynicism. He didn't see my neurosis as damaging like everyone else did, he appreciated me for being individual and embraced all the personality quirks I've got as contributing to that. When we'd be sitting alone bonding and I suddenly got an idea for a website feature and HAD to work on that, he felt proud instead of neglected. When I was stressed out from class and my room was a disaster, he came and cleaned it to surprise me. When other guys told me I had control issues, he said he was sick of men who were intimidated by women who knew what they wanted. Other guys accused me of overthinking movies when I point out how subservient all the minority characters were. Marc would point it out before I did. And those are just the logical things I can point out... there are millions of other ideas I can't explain. Connections, feelings, passion, destiny... all that makes me think this was somehow preordained. And there's always that feeling that we're so happy that the world must be imbalanced somewhere and we're going to set off world war III.

I worry that if I talk about the wedding plans, something might get lost, either now or when I look back at this time. It'll be like looking at Christmas through a store window... so much glass and price tags, not enough thanking God.
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