Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

directed mind

today i'm doing nothing, and i'd have to say, it's everything i thought it could be.

the fam' came in yesterday to make me plan a wedding or something. dragged me out to look at reception sites... i thought it would hurt but really it turned out well, I saw some nice places. I'm getting more okay with the fact that marc and I will not elope to vegas. mom brought a bridal magazine... I told her I didn't want any of those, but there were some cute pictures of cakes in there, so I told her this one was okay but if she brings any more please wrap them in black plastic so people think it's good honest porn.

thursday was my last final. it was horrible. wednesday night i was studying, and checked the course website, and noticed that he'd posted grades for our last test. i had failed the test. failed. 50%. the class average was almost 70%. i was confused and depressed. i was scared, because i didn't understand the material for the final. the final was awful. i had a high B based on homework and the first two tests, and had to average 55% on the last two to keep that, but i don't think it happened. this means a C. I've never had a C in an engineering course. the thought of it ate me. after the final i couldn't go home, I went to the library, I walked around and looked at the rows of books and thought of the types of people who publish books... the types that don't get 50% on a test. the types who feel good about finals. i watched it rain. i tried not to cry.

the painful hurting part comes from the fact that i've poured hours and hours into this class. the other class? not so much. sure i studied, and I worked very hard on that project, but the work was "lots of hours" work, not "trying to understand a concept my brain isn't made for" work. I think I'll get an A in that class. but the other one that i worked so long on, did hours of homework, studied weeks in advance... a C?

friday we went to riverfest. i bought a burrito from a food vendor, and ate it in seconds... inhaled it, like i had all food this week, just eating. then we went to the movies, and i was gone. then we went home to sleep... gone again. that's the state that my family found me in. i'm not sure they understood, and i didn't try to explain. honestly i knew that what they were doing was going to be good for me. distracting.

today so far i've laid on the couch surfing the internet and feeling good. i decided to make a pasta dish, and thought we were out of mozzerella, so that would mean i'd have to leave the apartment. but then i found some in the fridge... it's a sign that i don't have to leave! i read some poetry. planted some little seeds in flower pots that ms. a got me for apartment-warming. cut coupons from the paper. listened to music. healed.
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