Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

dinner out

I ran into one of my professors at a restaurant last night. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this enough, but here are the things I'm afraid of:

1) Heights
2) Lawnmowers
3) Anyone with a PhD.

So when I walked in and put our name down I wasn't sure it was him and for some reason didn't wave, although I thought he was looking at me. Then marc and I were seated on the other side of this wall, and I was feeling all neurotic about it because he'd seen me and I hadn't said hi, blah blah blah.

This is my morning class professor I ran into, and he's one of the scariest types, because he comes off as a nice person who cares about his students and feels optimistic about our potential. I've had teachers who were total jerks and if I saw them out on the town I'd totally wave right off the bat just to screw with them, maybe get through to some human side, who knows. If a teacher makes his students feel like they're all inferior to him, you can't do much more to hurt that, might as well do your best. But the other kind of teacher, the one who sprinkles "And if you're more interested in this topic I have a really interesting paper I can give you!" into every lecture, you just feel bad. Like you're acting that you're on his side, always understanding, always paying attention in class, and you're living a lie. Soon he will figure out that you're not smart and instead of just writing you off, he'll try to do what he can to help you out and the cycle will only get worse. He's assigned these semester projects to everyone and wants to know how they're going and I haven't told him anything, because I'm not making the kind of progress I'd want to talk about. I am working hard but it's a lot of wrong directions, it's sort of a mess, I don't want to admit that.

So eventually I saw him paying his bill at the front counter and walked by and said "Professor!" (even though I totally know his name, I don't know why I didn't say it, he probably thinks I can't pronounce it now) and he seemed very happy to see me and introduced me to his family and I was all freaking out about what to say and how to not sound stupid or too loud or spastic. Then I rushed off way too quickly.
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