Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

why does sin work better?

here's what I should have done after work:
6 - arrive home. change into workout clothes and go running for 30 minutes.
7 - shower. read a still-untouched section of the sunday paper while enjoying a light salad for dinner.
8 - read paper on joint source-channel coding for semester project. take careful notes.
9 - clean the apartment, work problems for info theory class.
10 - get into bed with a book, fall asleep thirty minutes later.

here's what I actually did:
6 - arrive home. change clothes and veg out on the sofa with marc.
7 - get old chicago takeout. drink beer while waiting.
8 - open a bottle of wine and watch three episodes of firefly one right after another.
9 - whatever
10 - surf the internet and feel guilty about overeating, failure to study, lack of exercise and general badness.

the problem is that every time I get a little feeling of motivation to do something healthy, it gets squished by one of those "what's the damn point?" bugs. like, last night I got tired at 10 (which is normal this semester, especially after a test) so I actually went to bed at 10. and it was great! I woke up before my alarm this morning and felt, well, okay! only required one cup of coffee and didn't bitch anyone out all day. so tonight I'm like, "I should go to bed early again!" but you know what? that means less study time. and if I do it tomorrow, it means missing out on fun thursday social time... okay let me just say I KNOW I'm staying out until midnight tomorrow. and when I reflect back on the week, that one night of going to bed on time didn't effect any of the other ones. working out brings up the same issues... unless you do it every day, it doesn't make a difference in your life. it doesn't even make a difference in the next workout. that's why I got so frustrated with running... I'd be all good about it, then go on a three-day road trip with friends, come back and feel like I was starting over.

on the other hand, if you don't go out drinking with friends for two weeks, then randomly show up, they're all thrilled to see you. there's tons to talk about and you have lots of fun. it's inviting. everything bad for you is always inviting and easy to get into, as opposed to everything good for you, which is unforgiving, judgemental, and expects you back the next day or else. what a load. i'm going to finish the rest of these marshmellow bunnies just thinking about it.
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