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the good day

I had the day off today. In honor of such, I decided to really take a day off. I skipped the picnics and gatherings and didn't talk to anyone all day. I sewed. I made myself a green floor-length skirt and matching halter top, and a tunic made from sheer, translucent brown fabric with blue flowers. I had the radio on, but didn't turn on the TV. And I listened to music.

Recently, I've been buying CDs left and right, too fast to listen to them all as much as I even want to. For the first time in years, there's always something new in my car that I'm trying to soak in. I used to browse through CD stores looking for interesting old music to add to the grand collection or some sampler, and I'd buy every few months, but suddenly it's like music for me is everywhere. All these fabulous artists have new stuff that just fucking rocks! Green Day, Weezer, Ben Folds, Sleater-Kinney the list goes on.

I was introspective. I did some reading. I thought about the glorious sunset I saw last night when I went on my long run... the sun went behind the clouds and there were a million sunbeams in every direction coming out from it. I thought about dad. He visited, and he kept turning the conversation towards where I was going in life. My generation is one that changes jobs every five years, he said. It's how people advance. Don't be afraid to look. Don't be afraid to talk if someone approaches you. Don't be afraid to leave Kansas, even though we hate the thought of you leaving, something wonderful could come along. I love my job and I love Kansas but I knew what he meant. Dad and I are the same person. I always know what he means.

I asked him why mom was so convinced that I was lonely and needed a boyfriend. Could she think of me as anything besides a mindless grandbaby-making machine? He said, "I was your age when I met your mother. I got married. We've been so happy ever since, and that's really what we want for you, it's especially what she wants for you."

It's been so good to be single. When I started dating my first real boyfriend at 19, a lot of introspection that I'd had died. I quit writing songs and poetry. Quit playing guitar. I broke up with him and thought it'd come back, but I was deep into the seriousness of being an engineering student, and there was another boyfriend right there anyway. And another after that. And another... until this year. I hadn't been single for more than a couple months at any one time in the past six years.

I feel like I'm having my own renaissance. I'm getting art and music, learning about politics, diving into graduate-level engineering. I feel like this is a very important time in my life, even if I'm not changing jobs or meeting my soulmate.

are those things the blossom of life, that I'm just now growing roots for? because I'd be happy if it didn't take any of that to be the woman I'm supposed to be.



( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 31st, 2005 02:52 am (UTC)
I'd hate to think that the only way you can still be creative and do the things you want to do is to always be single. I think a lot of young women never learn how to be happy and single, which is a damn tragedy... but I believe it's equally bad if we never learn how to be happy and BE OURSELVES with another person. Please, nobody let yourself quit your writing because of a GUY!

Maybe this is why 50% of marriages end in divorce.
May. 31st, 2005 02:53 am (UTC)
Some people don't feel right without a member of the opposite sex by their side. You are obviously not one of those people. Spacey-fem, the boy for you will be the one that you can be with and not feel like you're lost any of your new found renaissance. If that happens tomorrow, in ten years, or never, it matters not. But you have to hold out for that, and not expect less, because art and education and politics and introspection are really important, especially to someone as predisposed to it all as yourself.

God I love those introspective, me-time days.
May. 31st, 2005 04:12 am (UTC)
I honestly can't live without these type of days once and a while. I need that sort of self-fulfillment and serenity in my life! You will find someone, and even if it takes a while, you have so much going for you that I think it's enough to keep you happy. You did so much in one day, let alone more with passing time. So just wait, he'll come along.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
May. 31st, 2005 06:02 am (UTC)
I've almost entirely dropped music since I met my fiancee four years ago. It's not because of a lack of desire to write new songs or lyrics or play instruments (and I played quite a few), just lack of time. Family issues, work, moving, home redecorating, getting married... these all take a LOT of time.

Hopefully now that I've got the wedding behind me, I'll finally have some time to get back to working on music. More specifically, I'll have time to finish building my synth projects and THEN I can get back to working on music. Or maybe I'll go acoustic again for a little while and borrow my friend's guitar for a month. Who knows.

I used to think that it was the "angst" and lack of having a girlfriend that gave me the drive to work on music and write songs and poetry. It was close - not the drive, but that I had the TIME to do these things. If/when you're in your next relationship, make the time to pursue your other hobbies. It can be difficult, and one has to compromise. I had time for two out of three major things: (1) do couple-y things, stuff around the house, have a relationship; (2) relax and take a break from work so that I don't go crazy; (3) keep playing piano and guitar, work on musical electronics and write tunes. I dropped the latter for a while so that I could stay sane - with any luck now I'll be able to balance it back in...
May. 31st, 2005 02:37 pm (UTC)
don't tell anyone that i LOVE being single. i have a tendency to jump head first in to a relationship and give up some of my favorite things (like reading, painting, working out). i'm working on being able to be in a relationship without giving up myself. i mean, when i give up the things i love i just end up hating the person i'm with. that's why being single is fabulous. the weird part is that i'm kind of seeing someone now, but i still feel like i'm single. i think it's because i'm doing all the things for myself that i still want to? whatever it is, it's great.

i'm so glad that you're getting back to all the things that you love. happy new you day.
May. 31st, 2005 10:33 pm (UTC)
As long as you're happy and satisfied then you are what you're supposed to be.

Some very happy couples have it in their head the such couple-hood would be good for everyone. Not true.
Jun. 1st, 2005 03:50 am (UTC)
i was cleaning the other day and was absolutely MORTIFIED to find that bikini kill cd you let me borrow.

you're in for camping, right? so i can give it to you then, after i listen to it a bunch more? =)
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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