Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,

reason to dislike myself #593B7

It struck me today that I'm on instant messengers again. Like, the computer starts, and I boot up AIM, just like that. It used to be ICQ before all the ICQ spam hit (I still have no idea why, totally weird). Anyway, I launch these things because I like feeling online and connected, but I don't really like talking to people, I've always had kind of a thing about it. I like having one open so Dave can send me a quick, "How about macaroni for dinner?" but that's it. Most other people don't really have anything concrete to say, they just want to catch up and bond and spend chat time. Even real life people. I should be social and enjoy that, but for some reason I don't, and it's even gotten to the point where if someone does have something to say but they don't say it fast enough, I stop listening. That's my strategy for "I don't feel like talking to you", I just stop answering back. It's easier than shutting down the program totally, and takes less work than making some excuse they critisize me fore.

So, story ends with me feeling like an antisocial bitch. This is how a lot of stories end, funny how that works, maybe I am an antisocial bitch. But damn, I hate just talking online when I have nothing to talk about.

I'm bad on the phone too, I find myself wanting to put it down and walk away, like I do with AIM. Ha! But the phone isn't like AIM, whoever's on the other end really will take that one personally. This is all why I like forums and IRC - I get on when I want to get on, say I what I want to say, listen as much as I feel like listening, and nobody cares if I suddenly feel like making a sandwich. End of story!

In about two weeks, I'll go on a month-long spurt where I totally disconnect and stop launching all forms of IM, I know, this is how it always is. My friends will wonder where I am, and I'll know inside that I'm logging off for the good of our friendship, because when I'm on I only piss them off by abandoning them mid-conversation. But they won't see it, they never do. I'm a bitch.

Also, someone is going to post a comment in here like, "You bitch! You have friends, a lot of people don't have friends, sorry if we're such an inconvienience to you! Didn't mean to intrude on your perfect little lonely life! Fucking antisocial!" And I'll think, "Crap, there goes another one. Sorry. I really am. shit."

So the same questions remain: am I an introvert who nobody understands, or a bitch who they shouldn't have to deal with? Or am I just a poor typist? Or am I over-analyzing my problems, demonstrating how self-centered I really am? Will I learn to deal with people? Will the One Ring ever be cast into the fires of Mount Doom? I mean jeez, I'm halfway through the last book, will you get to it Tolkien? If one more new character is introduced I'm going to develop tumors...
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