May 25th, 2021


what josie is up to

Josie's Girl Scout troop had the interesting idea to have a camping night right before some leader's kid's soccer match or something, so our instructions were to pick our kids up at 8AM the next day. OKAY. I guess the girls were up until 4am chatting. So when she got home, I told her to get some rest, but she didn't. She followed me around like a puppy asking what we were going to do. Such a random kid, she usually does her own thing but when she's "off", she's clingy, like when she was a baby.

I gave in and said let's play cards and she loved that idea, but two hands in she got angry because she picked up a card from the blind pile and didn't notice a better discard I'd put down and wanted to trade it but she can't really do that and I said no, that's cheating, and instead of just shrugging she broke down in frustration. Then we were stuck. I recognized it as fatigue. It was the same shutdown she always does... I was like okay fine, I'll let you have the other card. Or we can start the whole hand over. Or the whole game over. Or just keep going because this one hand isn't going to change anything. But she couldn't put one brain cell in front of another, and curled up in her blanket in tears, so I just played on my phone until she fell asleep. She's 11 but her toddler self is still in there.

We'd just gone to see a play, too, we went to see The Diary of Anne Frank at the local community theater and it was an amazing performance, and the older I get the more I see why it's such an incredible book. It's about a teenager pondering herself and her place in the world, with this tremendous and rare sense of herself in relation to others, changing in response to the people around her, circling back to what's unchanged about herself. Writing herself into words and explaining everything. It's a miracle. Josie was more concerned about what untold conspiracy got the family all discovered in the end... I guess when I was her age, that's what I was concerned with too. The facts. Not the pondering.

I took Josie to the play because she circles me so much, I thought it'd be nice to do something special together. Usually she's on her computer but I get home from work and she breaks from it and comes up to hang out with me, but she doesn't have much to say. Just wants to be around. We go on walks or bike rides. It takes a long time to get her to talk about her friends, or school, or how she feels. She shows moods but doesn't put them into words.

And she draws, and they're all over the house, she just hovers, and draws.

Josie draws

Josie draws