August 20th, 2016

planet

spacefem's guide to pokemon go

Figure since I hit level 23 this week and have a 1900 CP Vaporeon, I should write about pokemon go. I'll write it in FAQ format, because I like to be helpful, so if you're not playing this will help you get started.

1) I have a smartphone! Should I play pokemon go?
Nope. It's totally dead now, everybody's over it. You might as well go back to facebook and play farmville.

2) Well I want to try it. What do you do?
Playing is really easy, you just walk around and try to catch virtual rats and pigeons in your neighborhood. Not real rats and pigeons... avoid those. These are in the game, they pop up in phone world, and you throw pokeballs at them to capture them.

3) Then what?
That's it.

3) It takes me 10 pokeballs to catch one effing pigeon, I hate this game.
You go to blue pokestops and spin their circles, then go to the next one, then the next one, and you get free pokeballs so you can keep wasting 10 or 20 on every damn pigeon. Pokestops are next to historical sites and local art installations.

4) That sounds nice. So I get to look at local art?
No, I wouldn't recommend that. You need to look at your phone. If you're looking at the art everyone will know you're there to play pokemon go, because nobody looks at this stuff normally, but they'll think you suck at it and aren't really into the game, or you have attention span issues.

5) Okay, I will stare at my phone. I will be into the game!
Nerd.

6) What happens when I get an egg from a pokestop?
You incubate it by walking around and it hatches a free rat or pigeon. Or you can ride your bike.

7) I heard I can't ride my bike, bikes are too fast so it doesn't think you're walking so it doesn't count towards your eggs hatching.
Oh sorry I forgot, yes... you need to ride your bike with a distracted six-year-old who doesn't like riding in a straight line. You'll make so little progress it thinks you're walking, and you will hatch all kinds of eggs.

8) What's better, the rats or pigeons?
Pigeons since they're easier to evolve... but really it doesn't matter you will hate them both.

9) Everyone is playing this game! When will it be over?
Thursday.