November 9th, 2012


I hate announcing pregnancy

I do. I haaate it. I'm not going to do it. I mean, on livejournal all I had to do was make my private entries public, no biggie, kinda quiet and gradual, no "announcement". and I didn't mind telling you about the early stuff because you're all internet people and I control what I tell you and don't run into you in the halls or have to answer your weird questions. But at work, to my family (extended family), other friends... I feel like it has to be this NEWS.

To make it worse I regularly fail at it. I tried to tell a table of women I was having lunch with, there was a silence and I said "I think I'm gonna have a baby in may." silence. I kinda looked at one girl confused, and she was like, "Oh, like you're trying to have a baby? Er, May, oh, I guess that's like not that far... like you're pregnant? What do you mean you THINK you're having a baby?" and the whole table was just confused and I was like "YES OKAY I MEANT TO SAY I'M PREGNANT" and they everyone said "Congratulations!" and I felt like a real fuckup for some reason.

Honestly though I really just hate hearing "congratulations!" and now, on my second pregnancy, I think I get why... because I feel like everyone else gets to go from zero to sixty when they hear the announcement in one confident statement like that. It's instant for them, no vagueness.

I, on the other hand, had to deal with 1) suspecting that my period was late 2) taking a test with a weird line I couldn't read 3) waiting two days to test again 4) reading up on the high probability of miscarriage 5) waiting two more MONTHS to hear a heartbeat at the doctors 6) not even making it to that marker before I started gushing blood at work, assumed it was all over, finding out it wasn't, still thinking it might be, not even feeling great now.

okay, for the record, item 6 is kinda not normal, I realize this.

but the first five things totally happen to all us pregnant women and they BUG US, except the oddly enthusiastic women who are cool and totally different from me. I go through all this self-doubt and nervousness and crap and dammit it is NOT FAIR that the general public gets to consider it all for one second and reply with "Well, congratulations!" and then move on with their lives.

I can't tell you how much I want to be like the women in "I didn't know I was pregnant", who are going about their totally normal lives until suddenly they get stomach pains and a baby comes out. They call their family who runs to the drugstore for onesies, and the next scene they're at the playground with their baby, big happy family.

You can announce a BABY. That's fun. Take a picture of the baby, post it up. It's obvious when to announce it because the baby was not here one day, and is here the next. You get a certificate. You get footprints stamped on a paper. Then you get to hide away, lay in bed with your life-changing new person and you don't have to deal with or care about what anybody thinks. And when you do come back and they ask "How's that baby!" you can say "Awesome, I saw her this morning, she's rolling over now!"

When you're pregnant people also ask "How's that baby!" but it's just annoying because you have no snappy answers whatsoever. And when they ask how *you* are, well, the answer isn't always so perky or optimistic (esp, for me, this time around... between the blood, tears, and vomit, this fetus has already made 20 times as much stuff come out of me than Josie ever did. TMI, I know. See? This is why I shouldn't tell anyone how I'm doing!)

I'm bitching again, I realize this, I know pregnancy is a beautiful thing I'm lucky to have and the "I hate telling people" conundrum is kinda psycho. Also, it's a "pregnant person problem", kinda like "first world problems"... the ones that only lucky people like us have? So yeah, I'm thankful.

But seriously, will it be weird if I just wait until I'm so fat at work, someone finally breaks the tension and asks? I don't think that'll be weird, remember I work with engineers, they don't want to know what's going on in my uterus. At only 14 weeks I'm already in maternity pants, and quite different looking. I can just keep this going, forever, I think. No facebook. No defined perky statements in a meeting. Everyone in my life will learn about it gradually and awkwardly... just like I have to.