October 27th, 2010


cold weather clothes

I've been needing to buy lots of clothes for work lately. It's complicated... I basically went a year without buying clothes, you know, since I was pregnant and all. I bought some maternity clothes, but mostly tried to buy clothes that were just big but not maternity. Then when we moved, I got rid of all my non-fitting small clothes because I hadn't worn them in a year and forgot what I liked and REALLY needed to scale down and get rid of clothes.

Fast-forward to now... I weigh less than I did before I was pregnant and looking into my closet and seeing all these huge sweaters sucks. Yes, it was a nice thought when I was pregnant, that all these big clothes with huge shoulders would last me for years. But I was in a very different mindset then. I think I'll call it the mindset of "huge". Everything that felt a little tight felt terrible, I was already wearing maternity pants, I was gaining weight like nobody's business. People told me I was "carrying so well" or "all baby" but seriously all, at the end there I was probably a week away from having my own gravitational pull. I put on those sweaters now feel like some kind of sloppy bag lady.

Issue #2: I've always had a complicated relationship with winter. Cold-weather clothes just make me feel ugly. I hate the layers, I hate the sleeves that don't look right on me... that makes it even harder to like big clothes. I feel less sexy in a season that already makes me feel totally not sexy. I thought it was impossible.

I think about October and Halloween and it makes me remember the traumas of my childhood, when my mom would make me wear a bulky purple coat over my delicate white dress that matched perfectly with glitter fairy wings for trick-or-treating. She said, "You can wear your fairy wings over your coat, everyone will see them." OHMIGOD NOT THE SAME. I didn't care if I was going to freeze! Fairies make sacrifices! Talk about being scarred for life.

Every winter I'm thankful that I don't live further north. I also thing whimsically about moving further south. Like, maybe the equator, or some place where there is no winter, where everyone just parties in flip-flops and tank tops all day. Marc would leave me, but at least I'd be warm and I'd feel attractive.