October 6th, 2009

planet

still pregnant

I took another pregnancy test this morning. Since the first one was $4 from Kroger, I went with a $7 one from Walgreens to see if it'd be any different. Turns out Walgreens thinks I'm pregnant too. The box says "Over 99% effective!".

Walgreens will not, however, give me a flu shot. I called my doctors office to tell them I was pregnant and their message went something like this: "Thank you for calling the office of Dr. Kelvin. If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911. If you are pregnant, GET A FLU SHOT. For scheduling press 1. For nurses press 2..."

Well crap. So I went to get another pregnancy test and a flu shot, but Walgreens won't give me one unless I'm at least 14 weeks pregnant. Their little paper says, "You should definitely get a flu shot if you are about to become pregnant." NOW YOU TELL ME. There's no test for "about to become pregnant"!

So I'm going to call my doctor again and while I'm at it make Marc get a flu shot. One less person to infect me.

angry_amy asked me how I felt about being pregnant. This is a complicated question, made even worse by my constant concerns over being normal. I have a coworker who beamed and told everyone his wife was five weeks pregnant... why would you tell everyone that? Everyone I tell now, I think of telling them I miscarried. I'm scared of a miscarriage. I'm also scared of the alternative... full-term pregnancy, childbirth, parenthood.

I feel like the "normal" thing is to be jumping up and down with joy and joining the pregnancy communities and working on some cute crafty thing to tell my parents. I feel like that's what I should be doing. But it's not how I feel. I feel terrified, and unsure that I'm really ready for all this. And even though I have marc, something is making me feel very much alone.

Thinking about it at work I realized there's only one person who would really want me to be excited, and it's not even a person yet. Eventually it needs unconditional love and joy... so I bet if it could hope, it would be very hopeful right now that I'm excited. I started to write a letter explaining that it would happen for me. "Dear Embryo: I'm sorry I called you a zombie parasite. Right now you're just some brain cells and a tail that totally weirds me out, but I promise things will get better for both of us. Please understand that I'm going through a lot, but this is a good time for you. This is THE time for you. You are the nicely scheduled 2010 baby I wanted, born in a decade year like me, so we'll always know your age quickly. You have a very excited supportive father. You will inherit our nerd genes, you'll love science fiction and breaking into electronic devices and dressing up in costumes. You are going to be so cool... but right now I'm just scared because it's a big change for me. Is that okay, to be scared?" These were my thoughts around 9 am yesterday. Then I started crying and had to go to the restroom and let it all out, it was a combination of fear and "big life events" that always sort of gets to me. I cried a lot in the weeks leading up to my wedding, thinking of the big family picture where we'd all be standing together. Thinking of another family picture, and the way life goes, I was overwhelmed. How am I supposed to feel?

I want to call mom. I've wanted to call mom a dozen times. She's been pregnant before. Maybe she'd tell me it was okay to be scared? But your mom isn't supposed to find out you're pregnant through your emotional instability, she's supposed to find out when you make her a cute scrapbook page or present a happy sonogram picture, after the miscarriage risk is decreased, right? I held back. But I keep thinking about it.

The good news: the doctor's office was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. They made me an appointment for October 30th, 8 weeks into the pregnancy when there's maybe something to see. They said there was no problem with me flying... SCORE! I'm still going to talk to our chief flight instructor.

Yesterday afternoon I talked to a coworker who had an eight-month-old baby at home, and we talked about his daughter. He asked when Marc and I were going to have kids. I smiled, and said, "We're close. I'm worried we're not ready though. Did you feel ready?" He shook his head. "Of course not. We're still not ready, but you can't be ready, you just go for it." I said I had a meeting to run to. In truth, I was about to cry again. Because there's so much of life we can't ever be ready for.