September 28th, 2007

attack banana

breakups

someone on the fl posted about an ex-boyfriend who went off the deep end after she broke up with him (okay, and a little before). sort of a sore point with me, because nearly every boyfriend I've had went off the deep end after the breakup. seriously. I think it might be a guy thing... they've gotta be "the man", keep control of the situation, make you the bad guy, even though there doesn't really HAVE to be a bad guy when a relationship ends. It's just... the end. I don't know what it is about men who feel like you are obligated to stay with them forever when obviously something isn't working right.

Here's how my breakups usually went: First, we'd have that initial "we need to break up" talk. It'd be nice. We'd agree to be friends. No, I never said, "I think we should just be friends", I said something along the lines of "This isn't working out." When that pissed guys off, I tried just giving signals, but that's tough. Basically every time I broke up with someone I tried a new strategy, and none of them worked... I guess you could say am and I had a good breakup, he was cool, but I'm not sure he was really in love with me either.

Anyway after the "nice" breakup, there's always a weird clingy stage where the guy must hang out because you said there was potential you could still be friends. In case anyone is wondering, most ended relationships do not end in friendship, unless both parties are really cool and mature. I never found these guys. No, they'd eventually get insecure about their status, and then there'd be The Drama Breakup. That second obvious one that results in me wanting to get rid of anything they've left where I live. It starts with a phone call or surprise visit from the guy, bonus points for being forced on me in the middle of the night or in rush hour traffic. The call goes like this:

Him: You're making me feel like you don't have time for me.
Me: well, we did break up.
Him: JUST LIKE THAT? Three weeks ago we were in love, now all the sudden you never want to see me again?
Me: That's... not really what I said. It's not like a sudden thing like that.
Him: I thought we were just taking a break, and now you hate me!
Me: I don't hate you.
Him: Just admit it. You don't ever see us getting back together again. IT'S JUST THAT INSTANT ISN'T IT?
Me: Okay it's not instant! I'm not sure of anything, stop pinning the absolutes on me! I certainly don't hate you.
Him: So we could get back together?
Me: I DON'T KNOW
...
Him: YOU DON'T KNOW? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS STRING ME ALONG LIKE THIS YOU BITCH! YOU NEVER KNOW ANYTHING! WHY AM I HELD HOSTAGE WHY YOU FIGURE YOURSELF CLUELESS SELF OUT!
Me: I just tried to say I didn't hate you... oh fuck it, I actually do now.

and it goes on with loaded questions until I don't feel safe saying anything. then he talks shit on me to all his friends. bonus points for using the internet.

i'm half posting this as a public service announcement: people, if this is you, being an asshole to someone who's only crime was saying they don't see things working out with you, please stop.

you know what's really sad about this? When marc and I first started dating, I told him about all my feelings about breakups. and he agreed with me... people should have the right to end a relationship without the other person going apeshit. We talked about how we'd feel about breaking up. We pre-arranged it. We've both been through this bullshit, we both know we're capable of being happy as single people, we both agreed not to lose it if we broke up. I told him I was nervous about even dating, because history had shown me that it only ends with my name being dragged through the mud... he totally related. We were going to be the best breakup ever.

then we got married.

so that's sort of ironic, isn't it? there are people in the world who would be cool about breaking up... but you don't need to break up with them. sick sad world.