October 25th, 2006

planet

bad feelings

I have this unexplained anxiety, and I hate that, when I just feel like something isn't right but I can't explain it? here's what's bugging me:

1) Lack of exercise. I went running with the dog Sunday and got shin splints, so my legs are killing me, and it makes me feel bad knowing I'm out of shape and knowing that the pain kept me from doing anything else this week.

2) Spacefem.com. I feel like it's dying. I want to save it. We used to get 50-60 new active forum members a month, easy, now we get 1/10th that. I need to add new features and worry that I don't relate. The forum is active, but it's active with people who've been there for years, I worry that they'll get tired of it.

3) The test I took yesterday. I don't get my probability class. I think I'm faking it well though, I feel okay about the test, just not my knowledge of the subject matter. Oh, midterm grades came out and neither of my professors bothered to report anything... that's fabulous. You know something? I used to worry that I was too stupid for graduate school and I'd flunk out. Then I gained some confidence and learned that I'm really average, or even above average, and if something in a class has me stupified it's got everybody else that way, too, so they can't flunk me, because that would mean flunking everybody. So that was a good thing to realize. But then the more I thought about it, the more I was sort of upset about just being average, and not really smart. smart enough to really get it, not just get my B and stay in the program. it's never enough.

4) my six sigma project. i'm going to re-do our department web page. i've dreamed of this for years. i'm totally using the six sigma program to elbow my way into it... they would never let me touch this before, but now I've got this certification I "have" to get done. I don't want the department to hate me. I don't want to act too enthusiastic about something we've always had admin assistants do. Seriously... we give them a frontpage manual and tell them to add this link here, that link there, the whole thing is a hodge-podge disaster with almost nothing valuable, and our department of 200 people has no central location to show new hires where to go or store department standards because no one thinks the web page could ever be it, so they don't even bookmark it. I want it to be there for us. I love web pages. I'm so scared that everyone is going to tell me to just sit the fuck down, and quit upsetting the admin assistant.

5) i sometimes regret having given advicenators away. i have ideas for it that would make it a lot better. but then I remember that I'm short on time already and it's like... damn.

6) I haven't worked on any election campaigns this season. the guilt is awful. I've been avoiding phone calls, so I don't have to actually tell anyone "no" when they ask if I can pitch in.

7) I hate winter and it's coming.