October 9th, 2005


get low

So last night was pretty low... my parents were visiting, but I felt so awful I could barely talk to them, and there was no way I'd tell them what was wrong. They asked me how school was going... bad idea. Here's something I haven't written about here: I'm failing in grad school. I get Fs on the homework. I get Ds on the tests. I don't know what to do. I stare at this shit and don't get it... when I do get it, it's cool, I like it, but generally it's beyond me. Jumping straight into 700 level coursework, assuming that my tech degree would make up for all the prerequisites I'm missing, has turned out to be a bad idea.

And to be honest, I'm not even sure it's the prereqs. I really think I'm not smart enough for graduate level electrical engineering. It's tough shit, people... and I know someone here is going to be just like my parents were last night... "Have you found a good study group? Asked the professors for help? Are you studying two hours for every one hour in class? Maybe that's not enough. Are you..."

But I was in no mood for their fucking solutions. I'm in no mood for anybody's fucking solutions. I just wanted to crawl somewhere and die. I can't spend enough time on the websites right now and people are mad, I can't spend enough time at school and I'm failing, I can't spend enough time at politics and our newsletter is late... so finally this month, something came along that I could spend enough time on: marc. whatever I did made him happy. but I didn't tell them that... yet.

Instead, my roommate started us on cosmos, and since I hadn't eaten all day, just one got me pretty much drunk. And that's when it all sorta went downhill. I told my parents about marc. I started feeling better. We drove to dinner and I had two more glasses of wine and talked more about marc. I told them they couldn't possibly understand my situation, which is true, but I'd let them in on it anyway.

Then we got home and I was going to blow up the air mattress for them like I usually do, but my vacuum wouldn't work without a new bag. I could not find the fucking vacuum cleaner bags because UNPACKING is yet one more thing I'm failing at. So I cried.

No wait, I sobbed, I could hardly breathe, and I told my parents to take my bed, the sheets were clean, and they were refusing, they said they'd just get a room so I could get some real rest. Real rest? It was 10:00 on a saturday night, we shouldn't even be home, I told them I was fine (in between sobs). It was HORRIBLE.

Finally I talked my parents into taking my bed, and I slept on the couch downstairs, and I just woke up after getting about ten hours of sleep. and I still feel horrible. maybe even more so now... getting drunk and forgetting my problems for a while was great, but here I am this morning and the websites still aren't updated, I'm still failing grad school, I'm still not unpacked, and marc is still gone.

and it's all ten times worse, because my parents have seen it all and probably want to have me committed about now.

anything to keep me from coming more undone, I guess. I don't feel like it's ever going to be okay.

12 hours later

My roommate had a really, really bad car accident today... totally rolled her car like twice! I got back from a gay rights meeting and her and her boyfriend were at the hospital. Her car is gone. But she and her boyfriend are alright. wow. yay for seat belts, huh? I guess some crazy person without a drivers license t-boned them while they were just driving down west street. that's insane.

in other news, it's been twelve hours since my last post about marc and yeah, I'm still pretty damn depressed. here's what else is awful: I really want to visit atlanta, and I don't see how I can any time soon. I mean, jason says he'll drive down with me if we want to drive, it's not too bad if you've got 2-3 people, but we don't want to just do this for a weekend, it's not worth it. and I have class tuesdays and thursdays, which kind of limits the time we can spend out there.

and there's another issue: part of me is afraid that if I visit marc in atlanta, I'll just be that much more attached to him, and I can't be, because I am NOT moving for him. flat out not. i really want to go out there just to go out there, you know? Because it's a new city, it's a road trip, all my usual reasons for wanting to go somewhere, but this time it's not just a vacation, it's prolonging a really fucked up relationship.

he texted me a lot today, and we talked on the phone. he misses me and told all his friends about me and put them on the phone to have them tell me how awesome atlanta is and how they'll have a great party for me when i visit. it's cute. and it hurts.

I was ranting to one of my gay friends about this today. You think girls can talk shit on men... shit! you should hear gay guys do it! they are men, and they talk more shit than I've ever heard, it's funny... anyway, I said I felt stupid because marc and i were together for three weeks, that's not enough to form a relationship that you miss, you know? And my friends were like, "It's enough time to get obsessive about someone, and that's what you have, obsessiveness." they're so right. that's what I'm doing, I'm not thinking logically, I'm obsessing.

so yeah, sorry my livejournal sucks now, I really am. you're all welcome to remind me how much it sucks. I won't be mad at you.