October 8th, 2005

planet

the inevitable

so marc left, and yeah, I pretty much want to die right now. our last two days together were 100% amazing. he's amazing. he didn't even really have a car to see me, he'd procure crappy trucks and stuff and lie to me so I wouldn't have to drive out and get him, I tried to give him rides. he'd bring me stuff and play me music and yeah, it was just... fucking cool.

Thursday night was funny because we were alone in the house (!) so we decided to do something special... we lit candles, put on some great trance, and then suddenly looked at each other like, "This feels too predetermined. Let's go out." So we left and went for a walk outside and it was sorta raining and pretty damn cold but it didn't matter, we just wanted to be together. sigh.

So Jason has said we should totally all go to atlanta for a visit, but I'm wondering what the fuck that'll do. I mean, he lives in atlanta, he won't leave atlanta, I live in Wichita and love my job and moving for a guy is so irrational.

I'm so depressed. I feel like crap... my parents are visiting for the weekend and I can barely talk to them, I had to leave in the middle of lunch to go cry in the ladie's room, it was so bad. everything just sucks.

I don't know what to do. push him out and try to never think about this again? arrange for a visit in a few weeks, just to get hurt again when he's gone?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.