September 22nd, 2005


people persons

So last night I got home from work and ate a light supper (pizza and veggies that have been buried in my freezer since who knows when... moving is great like that). I updated my livejournal. I sat down for a night of hard studying for the test today.

The problem was that I'd been kind of tired all day, and once I started studying I was outright exhausted. I tried drinking lots of water and playing music and all that and nothing worked. I was distracted by the internet and just didn't feel like doing any work. The sound of the air conditioner was pissing me off.

So I decided to try leaving. I got up, changed into some real clothes, threw my books in the car and took off for a coffee shop that I go to sometimes. When I arrived I ordered a smoothie (didn't want caffeine this late) and sat down and worked hard, for two hours straight... worked problems, took reading notes, organized formulas, everything I needed to do. The conversations around me weren't annoying, the cigarettes didn't get to me, I was clear and focused.

I just always feel so much better if I'm out in the world around people, which contradicts what I'd decided about myself a long time ago... that I'm an introvert to the bone. I don't miss people. I can entertain myself for days without caring that no one is around. I don't have hundreds of friends... it's not even that easy for me to make friends, and usually they're not important enough for me to maintain my relationships with them, sad as that sounds. The second I start wondering whether they actually like me, I just stop calling, I guess to keep from being creepy. I leave everyone alone, and I'm okay with the fact that everyone leaves me alone.

I do, however, like meeting people, and when dropped into a crowd I do pretty well for myself. I don't think that makes me an extrovert... one of my electronics professors told me once that I was, and I dismissed it quickly. Being the social butterfly in an engineering department is like being the healthiest item on the mcdonald's menu.

since moving here, I haven't really closed myself in, introvert-style. I joined the local linux group, joined a gay rights advocacy group (we all know where that lead), joined a sunday school class, started going out with coworkers. It's gotten so I'm not even used to being at home alone anymore. I get home from work, change, and leave this place. Get back around 9 or 10 every night. When I worked on the other side of town I couldn't even go home to change, I joked about living in my car but it wasn't really a joke, I usually had two changes of clothes and enough food to last me a day or so in there. I live in the whole city.

So maybe I'm not the introvert, after all. Maybe there are no introverts, or extroverts... we just do what we need to get out of whatever rut we're stuck in. In high school I spent the day with kids I barely related to and came home to a family that ate together every night, so I needed time by myself in my room to be creative and silent. In college I lived in a dorm full of other girls, sharing a hallway and a bathroom and everything, and liked laying back with a boyfriend, watching a movie. Now that I live alone, and occasionally spend a lot of time at work wearing headphones, lost in schematic world, I need to get out in a crowd of people.

There aren't people persons... just persons, who need balance. eh?

Or maybe my theory is shot and my attitude last night had nothing to do with the people, it was just the act of getting dressed, or something they're putting in those smoothies these days. It's not like I talked to the people.

I just wanted to be out there around them.
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