April 29th, 2004

planet

deep science

I got a 92% on my circuit analysis test! woohoo! I feel so much more confident about my future in the world of higher engineering education now. I'm kinda starting to get this stuff, feel like it's neat again. Transform functions are totally trick, I'm digging them.

I still wish I was genuinely smart. If there was one thing I could change about myself, that'd be it. I think I'm smart enough to get by in the world. Probably even smarter than the average random dude on the street. But it'd be cool to be one of those super-brilliant-genius people who just sits about all day pondering things like cold fusion and string theory like the rest of us ponder what sort of ingredients will make our kraft dinner more interesting tonight. I want to be so smart, I can't even start to relate to people. So smart, my mind has trouble doing normal stuff like grocery shopping because there's so much in it. So smart I have only two choices for living life: live in a university, or live in a mental institution.

you know exactly the professors i'm talking about with that one, don't act like you don't.

But anyway I was born a normal everyday working girl. I'm competitive and driven, I hate people seeing me fail, so I work hard at school, I'm successful. I'm also incurably anti-social; let's face it, some of us who study a lot do so because there just ain't that much else to do. Not a genius. I will not go to outer space or cure cancer or win a nobel prize, or even work in proximity to anyone who's come close to doing any of that. I'm average, and that's okay.

But a master's degree! Just one, tiny, master's degree in electrical engineering, not one of those fru-fru MBAs people get because they're tired of science, no, a real honest-to-goodness theory based masters with a thesis and research, that's all I want. I know it's hard on my brain. I know I won't be the bright shining star of any graduate school, won't go to MIT.

There's this 800 level wireless communication class being offered next semester; I'm not ready for that by any stretch of the imagination but I was reading the description and just lusting over it. That's what I want, I just want to be able to handle the concepts required to take something like that.

I hope that's not too much to ask of who I am. I really want to grasp these wonderful deep scientific things.

I'm not a genius but damn, maybe I can fake it?