March 4th, 2004

andromeda

don't be hatin...

So a friend let me know that my ex boyfriend had done some ranting on me earlier in the week. I shouldn't have gone and looked at it, but damn me for being curious, I did. And it was pretty bad. Basically he'd gone and read my livejournal entries and was analyzing how I was so full of myself and narcissistic and all that.

I was mad, but after thinking about it more, I'm just dissapointed. I went out with Dave because I thought he was different. He defied stereotypes, he did his own thing, he was cool. But when it comes to being an ex-boyfriend, he fits every bad stereotype there is. I can't even watch Amelie anymore, because the jilted ex-lover in the cafe smirking every time something bad happens to his once girlfriend just is dave to me. Same with this other girl who likes to talk smack on me... she's dating a guy who I once dated, and I used to think she was cool and could rise above the usual "you had my boyfriend first oh no you di-int!" stuff you see on TV, so I encouraged the relationship. She hasn't risen above any of it. Two years later she's still bitter.

They read my entries. When I'm happy and self-confident, they read it as me being full of myself to the point of having mental disorders. When I'm upset about something, they're happy and hope that it'll take me down and I'll lose everything I've worked for. Hell, according to them I haven't worked for it anyway, I've just stepped on people to scratch my way up in life, and chosen some lucky roads to get here.

When I was a kid I was quiet, shy, I'd fly under the radar and nobody really cared that much about me. I assumed if anyone could go through life without having enemies, it'd be me. Then I got older, and started to want to speak my mind, and started to want to be successful and not get walked on my the world, and you know what? That's all it takes. You don't have to be evil to be hated, you just have to be yourself. You have to value yourself. You have to think that you're worth something. There will always, always be people in my life now standing and watching and waiting for an opportunity to tell me that I'm not worth something. The fact that I let these people be so close to me once is what's scary, it makes me question everyone around me. I have to look at those closest to me and think, "If I didn't have time for you one week, if I didn't want to be as close as we are now, would you deal, or would you go ape-shit? Should I not have friends, should I not date anyone, for fear that I might upset them one day?"

It's sad, but at least I know that for every two people on livejournal trying to cut me down there are a hundred times that who are okay with me, who want the best for me, who remain positive. Several of these people I've been incredibly close to, I know them in real life and they know my faults and issues and they still love me.

I'll learn to close the book on everyone else.