January 24th, 2003

planet

digital controls, aggamemnon, work

So, I'm one of these people who pushes in the microwave numbers in the easiest way possible. Rolls go in for :11. Soup that calls for 2.5 minutes goes in for 2:22. Tonight I had a pizza that needed seven minutes, so I punch in 6:66, and I'm like, "OHMIGOD... THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST IS IN MY MICROWAVE!" and it's all scary.

sighs.

Took Aggy to the vet tonight, I was scared to death. I mean, it's like 20° outside, what kind of insulation can keep her warm, from the apartment to the car even? One of my friends suggested a cooler, I thought that might be a bad idea, air-wise. I ended up getting a shoebox and throwing a washcloth in there, and I microwaved the washcloth a few seconds so it was warm. She made it.

The vet pooked and prodded and did all sorts of really traumatic things to her and sort of just gave me the opinion that, because aggy was born with really bad legs (they were splayed when she hatched, we had to do little therapy sessions to even get her to sit on perches), the fact that she can't use one of her feet now is no surprise. She's seven years old. These things happen. She said I could put some aspirin in her water (not kidding) to help with the swelling, but it wasn't an infection, and she couldn't feel any tumors. She said I could do a blood test for $80 but didn't recommend it. Okay.

So, my bird isn't sick. Just deformed. I'm not sure how I feel about that, the poor thing just has to live with it I guess. sigh.

Someone from another group asked me a question at work and I didn't know the answer. Sometimes I feel like I'll never know the answers. They just all seem so far away and impossible, I can in no way relate to the guys who pull all this technical information out of nowhere. And to make matters worse, I sometimes feel more lost than I did when I first started. At least then, I didn't know how lost I was. That's always soothing.
planet

doesn't fit in

So I went "out" tonight. Got invited by the girl in the next cubicle, she's cool, she runs paperwork for us and performs other important tasks. The poor thing was sick last week and everybody freaked out. "What?! She's not here?" It's funny how offices can go a few days without an engineer, but the second an administrative assistant is out... pandamonium.

Anyway, for some reason it wasn't good. We went to Margarita's, this restaurant/bar thing where a live band was scheduled, a bunch of her friends were there and we all had a few drinks. I had two margaritas that were kind of watered down. Then the music started and some people, but not all, got up and danced, and others tried to yell out conversations, anyway I felt sort of alone. And I realized that no other women were six feet tall. And no other women were there with no make-up, wearing a turtleneck sweater with jeans. Hell though, I don't even know how to dress to go dancing. I just sat there, I'd had those two drinks so I was afraid to just drive home, I wanted to wait a little while just on principle.

I thought about life, since nobody seemed interested in talking a whole lot to me, I was having one of those "Ghost World" moments. I can't relate to 99% of humanity. I wasn't crazy about that movie when I first saw it but for some reason I think about it all the time.

I thought about the engineers I worked with, and how they weren't even trying to fit in with beautiful dancing girls in a club. Nope, they were okay just being at home working on their home audio systems. That's what I should have been doing. Why was I trying to fit in with "going out" type people? I don't like going out. And I looked like it.

I should admit something right here: my inability to interact in social situations is a very big reason why I became an engineer. I'm not kidding. I learned that I was not totally normal, or beautiful, and I'd be much happier if I tried to get by on brainpower, not body power or charisma. Hell, getting by on that didn't mean anything anyway. I fit in with geeks. I liked them, they sometimes liked me. They weren't social either... in fact, many were more anti-social than I am, if you can believe that.

So I tried to put it all in order...

Reasons Why I Became And Engineer
1) I adored my high school physics class
2) I wanted to go into something practical
3) Storming the frontiers for womanhood
4) Other Engineers
5) Engineers make cool things
6) Engineers look smart
7) Engineers make money
8) Engineers can perform day-to-day tasks better, like fixing cars and running speaker wire.
9) Not everyone can be an engineer

When I put all these reasons together, it just all makes sense. That's what I thought about when I was sitting, listening to the band, drinking water, watching people dance.