October 14th, 2002


what's the difference?

I'm bothered by the fact that I can not stay organized at work. I try to do it like school, with 5-7 folders, and when one comes out another one gets put away for a while, and they rotate. But there aren't 5-7 sections. Everything is one subject. Within that subject are 20 projects, this set of 5 airplanes needs this revision, this other set needs another revision, this plane is in both sets. I'm working on one set when more planes join it. A meeting. A conversation. Someone wants me to pick up something else. It's weird. Not stressful, just different than what I'm used to.

I'm have no idea what financial situation I'm in either, I can't keep it in my head. In college I could look at the money I had in the bank and say, "I can buy stuff" or "I can't buy stuff". Now there are real amounts coming in and going out and I get annoyed thinking about money, always have. I went to Kohl's today because their sunday ad said bedding was half off, and I found a nice cotton blanket for $30, and I don't have any blankets so I was going to buy it but I changed my mind when I remembered how many of my pantyhose I kept getting holes in and thought that I should by some hose then didn't feel like I could afford to buy all that. I'd wait until blankets went on sale more somewhere else. $30 is a lot of money for one, even if it is regularly priced at $45, right? Oh wait, I don't know, I've never looked at bedding before.

It's different than college here. Not better or worse, just different. You think differently. College was definately better than high school, but more stressful in the beginning I'd say. I wasn't as confident, I wasn't as sure that I'd make it because I'd heard so many stories of people who didn't make it, you never know, you can get fabulous grades in high school and flunk out of college, it happens all the time.

I'm confident I'll make it in this world, but again, the whole definition of "making it" has changed. In school you pass or you don't pass. You get graded on everything, an A or B is good, a C is okay (well, good in some classes, but that's another issue). At work you don't get grades, if you made the revision correctly you get a signature, but I keep feeling like the signatures don't matter as much as other things. What am I wearing? Who likes me? Who doesn't like me? When other new graduates were here for a month, how many parts lists had they made? Am I too quiet in meetings? In place of grades, I invent other crap to be worried about. I'm so competitive. Always had been. I've often thought that competitive people go further in the world, get higher in society, but what's anybody's definition of getting somewhere?

It's the first October of the rest of my life, and like most times in my life, I'm generally happy but still vaguely confused. I guess that's why I don't believe artificial intelligence will ever make computers that think just like us, like the kid in AI. You can't duplicate humanity in a lab.