August 12th, 2002


I want that, and that, and those...

First, main, part of this post is that I just couldn't bring myself to kill these evil things off. It was almost nice to see that page drop to third place on my requested pages list... let's see how long it takes them to get back :)

I had a pretty good day. My sister went off to college, so I was home alone while my parents packed her off. Being home all day made me feel a bit cloudy and depressed, I wasn't sure why. Like there was some pent up anxiety I couldn't get rid of. So I decided to go shopping. I have no money, but something in my life has changed because I have money in sight, and what's more, I have things to buy. I went to Target, and Bed Bath & Beyond, and Pottery Barn (can't afford, but can look) and looked at their dishes and bathroom accessories. When Dad and I were looking for apartments, we went to this one where the lady was like, "And if you don't have furniture, we can rent you furniture for $60 a month. It's an excellent value, and very convenient if you don't have time to shop." Dad looked at me and was like, "That's kind of nice, get all that out of the way. Right?"

I just looked at him. Then I practically yelled, "NO!" in a much stronger tone than intended, and they both looked at me in a confused sort of scared way. Dad didn't understand. Mom understands. Since I could walk, I've dreamed of having an apartment for my very own to decorate. You can't really express yourself in a dorm room, mostly because it's tiny and you're poor, but this is a whole new deal for me. I have income! None now, but according to budgets I am going to have enough to save up and buy some decently nice things... we're not talking ethan allen, but we are talking JC Penny, which is so many steps above Garage Sale it blows my mind and excites me to levels that I don't think anyone understands. Coordinated things! My own colors! And dishes... I could do sage, or eggshell, or plum... they're mine, they're new, I can do whatever I feel would soothe my soul. And I will!

I know I'll have relocation money left over to buy a bed, so that's out of the way. After that it's just a matter of being a little patient... saving up, buying something new every month or so... furnishing! I was upset today, my mind was cloudy, but looking at bathroom coordinates with matching toothbrush holders, soap dishes, and kleenex box covers just cured it all. I'm starting from scratch here, it'll be a while before I can get big stuff like a sofa, but at least I'm starting, there's hope in sight.

What is it, is it that I'm a woman? Dad doesn't seem thrilled with all these ideas. Dave certainly didn't run out and look at bedroom sets for his apartment... I somehow get the feeling that even if he was making three times as much money, contemporary furniture would be below many things on his priority list. Or maybe it's because I'm materialistic? I don't like to think I'm materialistic, I'm not going to buy the nicest stuff, I do need furniture, there aren't just greedy wants. Or maybe it's because I'm a Taurus and we like pretty things. I read that once. But I don't believe in astrology. My sister said Tauruses aren't supposed to believe in astrology, which is true for me... that really screwed with my philosophy for a while.

How's that for staying on topic?

Anyway... my goal is to not buy anything until the 20th, because the 20th is Credit Card Turning day. I love the 20th of every month, I buy stuff and don't have to pay for it for a full 60 days. Glorious :) I'll buy dishes first, they're cheap. Then a bed. And we'll see how things go from there.

I shouldn't even think about this, I haven't even started the job yet! Okay, relax...

who? what?

I got to thinking today. I tried not to, but it's not like something I can just turn off.

Who is Spacefem? I always meant her to be slightly different than the person I really am, a little tougher, a little more interesting, all that. My online self. She's a lot like me... young, technical, ambitious... same physical traits, but still a seperate entity.

The thing is, I'm not sure I want Spacefem to get old. I'm scared of what will happen when she gets a steady paycheck and a job in the world of grown-ups. She's Spacefem, always moving, always looking to the future, always going somewhere in an unsure world and conquering new fears. And she's nutty and funny, too. Can you be nutty and funny at 35? Can you wear hose and suits to work every day and come home and pretend to be this random non-professional internet diva? Can you grill steaks for dinner and be the same person you were when you lived on macaroni and soda crackers?

So I thought, maybe in a few years, it'll be time to start over. Be 18 again. In a few months I'll start looking for a high school girl who reminds me of me when I was in high school, a dork with almost no friends who can't come to terms with her body or mental skills. I'll teach her HTML, or better yet, have mikey teach her HTML. Then one day Spacefem will take a week-long vacation to visit some dying relatives, vanish from the internet in all forms, and most everyone will forget about her. Until her amazing comeback. She'll be Spacefem like everyone remembered, settling into a new college dorm room getting nervous about her test in DC circuit design.

And so the cycle will go, and for 200 years we'll have Spacefem. Young, interesting, always changing, always tough as hell. Think "The Princess Bride," think Dread Pirate Roberts. An internet pirate of the seas, knocking down villages as she goes. Some day, many years after was started, an old woman will log into the forums and let all the 13 year old girls adopting useless blobs that they're pretty cool, too. And no one will ever know her secret.

Because really, only about 15% of the people reading my journal know anything about the girl behind Spacefem anyway. So the rest of you wouldn't notice if my life mysteriously dropped back six years.

My target audience right now is very young. Sometimes I think too young... I've gotten "Ask Spacefem" questions from girls claiming to be ten years old, and by the writing style, I believe them. I like the audience though, to be honest, they're fun, they're exciting, they're at that age where I was more confused than ever. If I could go back in time and talk to myself, I'd go back to that age. High school. Middle school. I want to always relate to them, I don't want to seem so much older, I'm afraid of seeming like their mom. I'm afraid of seeming like anyone's mom, ever.

I was once afraid that at the age of 30 I wouldn't know the answers to questions I desired, questions about life, myself, people, all that. Now I'm suddenly afraid of knowing too much. I dunno. Either way, I just might take that vacation in a few years, then let's all go back, let's all live through this time together again. No one will ever know.