March 2nd, 2002

stfu

weather, acrophobia

It is snowing like crazy today! Totally nuts, I was going to run some errands but I guess not now. And, for the first time in a while, no going to the tech center to work on senior design! ohmigod! I'll survive (breath, breath) 8 inches or so already I'd say, and it's still coming down. You know, they should have a "weather" along with the "music" and "mood" extras on LJ. It'd be nice to track that sort of stuff and see how it affects my mood.

Anyway, after starting this thread on she-net and accusing a good 40-70% of the population of being insane this week, I've decided it's time to face my own psychological demons: the phobias. I am a big damn wus. I'm terrified (as in, have trouble breathing around) spiders and heights. The problem has only gotten worse with age and it's getting to be more than an annoyance these days, it's a danger. So I started today looking for some books on amazon.com on the subject, but most of the self-help books are about social phobias and anxiety disorder which I don't have. I'll keep looking. Maybe I'll ask a psychology major, who knows? Hell, I can see someone for free at the health center, but I think that's a bit much, I don't need a shrink (yet). I'm not insane :)

Eh, maybe I am.

I just want to be normal. We went on a field trip to a power plant last year as part of my internship, and at one point we took an elevator up to the tenth or so story and everyone filed out of the elevator, turned a corner, and walked outside. The floor was concrete but when you stepped outside it was this grating stuff that you could see through. It was windy. I just stood there staring at them. Everyone in the group was fine, I started sweating like crazy and could feel myself about to cry and they were all looking at me, still standing on the cement part behind the doorway, waiting. Finally our tour guide instructed five of the guys to stand around me, put my hand on one of their shoulders and just said, "You'll make it." I closed my eyes and stepped out, I can't believe I didn't vomit. I did make it but I was so panicked and sweaty by the time we got to the other side I didn't return to a normal mental state for another hour and a half. That is what I'm trying to avoid, being the wussy girl who's afraid to step out onto a floor that is very structurally sound and no one else has a problem with. It doesn't fit into my 0/1 equation for life, and those who know me know that there's nothing i hate more than having my logical side overridden by something else stupid and irrational inside me.