January 14th, 2002

small

got life?

I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my papers and I was free...

the userpic today is me as a two year old by a lake. i found it in the family albums, i thought it was funny, it works well today.

Got up, walked out the door this morning and spent $250 on textbooks. I'm not done yet, but I'm done for today, that's what's good. I learned yesterday that I have roughly $700 to my name until May, I think if I'm careful it should last me, and if I'm not careful it doesn't matter that much because I'll have a real job afterwards, allowing me to pay back any debts to the Dad Savings & Loan I have to incurr.

I'm thinking a lot about education. I've spent my entire life now being educated, and that's no small life, I've been around almost 22 years. That's just what society demands these days, it blows my mind. What blows my mind even more is what I don't know - I couldn't fend for myself outside this precious society, I don't know how to harvest grain or hunt a mastadon or birth a baby, I'm worth about nothing in the raw, untamed world. By caveman standards I'm a total waste. Is that progress? Dad was telling me about this guy he saw interviewed around Rose Bowl time who was a parade float designer, the best in the business. Acres of credentials, in demand, made millions. What would he be worth? Likely less than me. If society were to crumble to the ground tomorrow, that guy would be one of the first to go. I guess that's a risk we all have to take to have a neat human race.

And then it seems like the more educated one is, the less good they really do society sometimes. You meet these people with PhD's and MBA's and what do they do, think for a living?

So here I am, doing just that, not even making a living, just letting society support me while I do what they expect, because they seem to think it's very important. If aliens landed in my room and I told them this, I'd think they'd find it funny. "She learns? That's what she does?"

So I wonder what God thinks. I wonder what my brain is worth. I sit back, think about everything I haven't done and how short a life it's really going to be - face it, for a creature with a 70 year life span, I sure have spent a lot of time getting ready to live. Now what? Get a job and try to contribute to the world, add something to it, even if it is too big to notice me. Get a family and have kids, so somebody in the world isn't too big to notice me.

one semester left.