October 2nd, 2001


Hot Hardware!

First... a picture:

It's the one pic of me Dave got with the digital camera he checked out for the weekend, I really wish we had some of us but such is life. Anyway, there are better photos of me in the world but in this one the weather is nice, I'm happy looking, and sporting thinkgeek gear. Plus it's recent, and part of me felt like I should visually exist in LiveJournal sometime. Heh. Enough of that though, on to my day:

I'm thrilled today because my geeky friend Walter just ordered a dual Athlon motherboard and, presumably, a pair of MP's. Yeah! This brings up two topics: Walter and my unrequited love for AMD.

First, Walter. He's been die-hard Intel since I met him, another faceless proponent of the Wintel. No adventure! Walter is one of those cute geeks, he watches lots of anime and acts like he's got underground operations and might have to flee the country at any time. Really, the worst thing he does is download lots of porn and burn in onto CDs (he's got books and stacks of CDs everywhere with random software that might not work and low-quality VCDs), so we're pretty convinced if the fed ever run across his name, they won't take a second look. But don't tell Walter that. What else? He's really tall, pale, and skinny, totally blind without his contacts, never washes his hair, has these perfect blue eyes, and lets me make fun of him non-stop. SpacefemsPlanet.com even had Walter Week last april, where we dedicated the site to making fun of Walter. Lovely.

Next: AMD. I'm surrounded by pentium fans around here, I can't escape, so I decided to fight the good fight for AMD. I had a K6 in my old computer, it was 300MHz and I had it for three years. Served me very well - that whole machine was a workhorse with the exception of a diamond video card I didn't like. Ran Windows 98, pretty basic; I learned a LOT about computers in the time I owned that one. Anyway, I built the new machine this summer with a 1.2GHz Athlon, 266FSB. Retail chip, I think I paid like $120 or so including heat sinc and fan, and I've been really happy with it so far. I always hear these rumors that AMDs have sucky chipsets or run too hot to be really safe, but I can't get behind that, I love my chips. I'm not saying I'm a microprocessor diva, just that AMDs have done good work for me so I decided to advocate things a bit.

Now I've got one of my favorite geeks (Walter) using my favorite processor (Athlon) and I'm just too excited to think! What's more, he's going dual: I read a lot about the system this summer when I was building my machine but couldn't justify the cost (Walter can't either, but never mind that), I had to look on from a distance. Now I'll get to see it in action and be very amazed... damn I hope this works out for him! Next I'll convince him to run Linux, once he's under my grasp. MWAHAHAHA!

nut case

I'm fuming as I write this. Fuming and crying, so it'll be an interesting entry, because I can't really see the words.

Had night class tonight: Network Systems. Usually I really enjoy that class because it's one of the few opportunities us EETs have to really discuss computers; we talk about the OSI model, network topology, protocols, basics like that. But this week my professor declares that we're going to the Adecco information session - they're doing a schpeil about their company to recruit graduates and the like. Fine, whatever, we'll get out of class early.

I sit in the session and twitch.

This is the epitome of a company I'd rather die than work for. They're the fourth largest employer in the entire world, they pull kids out of college like they're nothing, buy their puny little lives for $40K a year and offer job security in exchange for identity. This is exactly like the company I worked for last summer, which will remain nameless.

Time for that story, huh?

I had an internship this summer at a major engineering firm, let's just say that. They build power plants. Over 3,000 employees in Kansas City alone, plus over 60 offices worldwide in places like Bhurma and Japan. I was a number. I was also their mistake: my department thought they'd have projects starting in April to keep June/July interns busy, as it turned out nothing made it through the red tape by then and I wasn't given anything to do, and this was supposed to be okay. They certainly didn't care, didn't mind paying me $12 an hour to sit around and do nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are worse things in life than having a secure, well paying job that doesn't require much brain power. But this is my life. I was miserable. I would rather die than go to work for the rest of my life at a place like that, where blowing thousands of dollars means nothing, where if I died in a car accident they not only wouldn't think to replace me, but probably wouldn't even notice I was gone for a good week and half. I want to matter in life. I'm smart enough to make a difference, I want to go somewhere and make a difference, dammit. I'm sick of all the material bullshit I grew up around, I'm sick of being happy with security, there's more to life than security, okay?


And I'm sitting in this info session watching all these nodding heads around me- about 60 I'd say- thinking about the great car they're going to have and how great it'll be to just exist in the world without thinking of how their lives matter. And I'm thinking that something's wrong with me, that I can't be happy. What the hell do I want from life? Is it the complicated? Am I just spoiled, that money and a dental plan aren't enough?

I want a job where I matter... I hate myself now for being so different, and for seeming so stupid and for feeling so uncomfortable just sitting there watching all the people in khaki pants rant on and on in front of a powerpoint presentation about how great the economy is and how big the cattle call is this year. Sometimes I wonder if I'm dumb for feeling like I'm better than all those people. It's not that I want more, it's that I want different, why doesn't anyone fucking understand me?

This is October. In May I get my degree and I'm supposed to go out into the world and do what I'm supposed to do, because that's what everybody does.

i'm just really scared. i just want someone to take me away from all of this.


I'm doing better now. Still not happy with life as we know it, but calmed down. That's the nice thing about a short attention span, sometimes you can't pay attention to anything long enough, not even your own angst. I'm gonna go over to Dave's, cuddle, relax and not think about anything.

What cheered me up:
1) Poured peroxide on the bug bites I scratched the skin off and watched it fiz and sting. I know you didn't want to hear that, but there was something really really satisfying about it.

2) This: http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap011003.html

I think I'll even do the mood thing, I've never done it before, but hell there's no time like the present.
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    okay okay