August 31st, 2001



One bad thing about college is how conducive its atmosphere is to general insanity, I notice it more in myself here than anywhere else. The world outside is structured, everything you need is right there where you need it, no reason to check a backpack three times in one hallways because you're sure you don't have your keys. No reason to wash your hands more than 2-3 times a day. Here things are impossible, nothing is structured, and all around you everyone is trying to be scholarly, which takes creativity, which takes being a bit out there. That's right, everyone around you is trying harder to go insane. And they wonder why we go schizo? Hrmph.

My muscles are sore today, I'm not sure what from. I played football with the net techs last night, maybe that's it. I didn't feel like I was working v. hard but oh well. Today I did a yoga tape (of course) and rode my bike around town - did banking, mostly and some light sleeping. Bought some tops at some random sale-in-a-barn, that sort of thing. Good bike ride. Came back, yoga, shower, dinner in the dining hall with dave and wlater, work desk duty, here I am.

Notes on last night: it was decided I should go to JB's for karaoke night with juan, justin, and max, all adorable fellow RA's who are so sweet to take me out. We're there for an hour when all these RA's who I don't like so much, the resume whore crowd who "just got engaged" (everyone around me is getting engaged and it's sickening but that's not the point). I hate them now because they (in their resume-whoringness) have taken to beating me at recognition I feel I've earned (that will remain unmentioned), one that even if I don'tr eally want them, I should still have to prove I'm better than these people. Having this much hate for them, of course, only makes me hate myself more, and the vicious cycle continues, until I'm not having any fun at JB's and can't fake-smile through the situation any more; I ask to be taken home and am. Once there I call dave and explain the whole dreaded thing, he understands completely of course. I ask hm to come over (requires a call back as we've already said good-night) and he does. Spends the night, it's nice, I feel like me again instead of this glob of hatred who ruins every part. I confessed this to Dave last night: I'm with him because he makes me feel special and supported - like the mediocre life planned for everyone else isn't the same as for us. He's my ultimate partner in crime, we'll take over the world if we stick together.