oh well. spacefem.com has the #1 google spot for another phrase... "link to me" (with or without quotes), so maybe all the sites will just point towards mine.
Today was a nice day. I was working slowly in the cube like I have been the past few days, when I got a phone call on a revision that needed rushed through. So I put on my coat and bundled up and rushed to get the signature sheet in the next building, and when I opened the door I was blasted with this nice day that I wasn't expecting, I'd been sure I had to stay in my cubicle to be safe and warm. Weird.
So after I got home, I decided to change out my windshield wipers, because I bought new ones sunday and my old ones are crap. I open the new wipers and start to take the old ones off when I realize I've never changed wipers by myself before, and there's this little clippy thing and they're really pretty simple, but there was something I wasn't sure on, didn't want to force the directions, so I was like, "Just to be safe, maybe I should look at the owner manual?" No, I tell myself, only a complete moron needs to look up how to change her windshield wipers in the damn owners manual. "What, because directions are bad? You don't want to be too safe? You'd rather risk breaking something than looking stupid?" um, kinda...
I get out the owner manual anyway and flip through it and find the page, and I was doing it right. I sit there for a second looking at it, sort of lost in other thoughts. Then this freaking carload of guys pulls up, seeing me with windshield wipers on my hood, staring at the owners manual.
I'm thinking, "I was naked in the nitemare version I had of this, and I couldn't move..."
One of them says, "Windshield wiper change time, huh?" I just sort of smile and say, "Yup, it's that time again." That wasn't so bad. But then as they were walking away I hear one of them say, "Give her a hand, Paul!"
Yup, they thought I was stupid.
I don't like this about myself, but I really have a complex about looking dumb in front of others. It's like, my constant goal to prove to myself that I'm smart and can do, um, smart things, like make toast and solder circuits. So even after I had changed out my wipers, which wasn't hard at all and probably didn't require the use of any manual, I felt positively awful about the whole situation.
I shouldn't. I was reading directions to be safe, that's not stupid. So why do I feel like, on most days, I'd rather suffer a four inch paper cut with salt and iodine rubbed into it than risk looking even a little bit like I don't know what I'm doing? Shit, it might be because I don't know what I'm doing, and I know this, and I'm insecure about it.
It happened yesterday too, I called the support desk about a copier problem, and they had me read off the number on it... N156. The person was like, "M as in Mike?" and I was like, "No, N as in..." froze. I'm thinking "noodle". why? In the aircraft world, hell, in the world period, N does not stand for noodle, we have a phonetic alphabet that everyone uses... alpha, bravo, charlie, delta, echo... noodle? I'm in ground school, for God's sake!
"N as in November?"
I'll never forget it now.