Spacefem (spacefem) wrote,
Spacefem
spacefem

the reflection

Today was a beautifully perfect day. The sky was blue, slight breeze, not too hot, sun shining everywhere. I ate outside. And I walked between the buildings twice, after a meeting, then to get supplies. Smiled at everybody. Wished the bazillion-dollar corporate jets at the service center a good day. Drove home with my windows down. I was going to make pasta, but I went and got my mail first and there were these pizza coupons and the pizza in the picture looked so fantastic, I ordered it. Sat and ate my pizza and watched "Frasier", because fox was the only channel I had that wasn't showing 9/11 stuff.

Not that I don't think they should show 9/11 stuff, it's just that, well, I won't gain anything from watching it but sadness, and fatigue over the media hype. Neither of those will make anything better.

At this time last year, I don't know about what you all were thinking, but in the very back of my mind there was a little doubt about just how strong this whole civilization thing we had going was. Nobody knew it was just one really awful day we'd remember forever. For all I knew, it could just be the beginning, of the end of the world, the apocolypse or worse. I remember that I had an 11:00 class that I hadn't done the homework for, and I did it anyway but thought it was so helplessly silly because, if the world crumbles, who cares if I have a college degree?

So much of what we do reflects our confidence in society. The 401K plan. The education. Credit cards. We condition ourselves perfectly to live in this world, with this government, and that's a great way to go but it's a bit of a gamble, don't you ever think that? How long will the human race be this controlled? How long will we work together as a society? Can it really go on forever?

When 9/12 came, most of us were alright. And we're still alright. And I'm glad, for selfish reasons, because when I just think about my life, it's doing very well in this world. This tiny existance I'm teetering on is perfect, as long as I ignore the possibility of anything else happening, I'll be perfectly happy.

Maybe that's why I'm a pacifist. Just get along. Just do our thing. Don't go to war with Iraq, what could we gain? More importantly, what could we lose?

I have everything to lose.

Deep inside, the more beautiful each day is, the more a little part of me will always be afraid. It's not a new feeling that came at this time last year, no, I've always had it. I think we all do. It's just that sometimes, it's stronger, and we hate ourselves for being this self-centered, and wonder where our courage ever went.
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