spacefem's livejournal

I can't remember when I started waking up early. I never slept in. Even as a kid, I was that annoying one at the slumber parties who wakes up first and has no idea what to do. staring at my sleeping friends, eating breakfast with the parents. I think I slept in high school and college and in my 20s. I definitely know I didn't sleep when I was pregnant. I'd wake up at 4am or 2am... for my first baby we were saving up for a house and work was so busy they'd pay me for overtime, so that's what I did. just went to work. for my second baby I had been promoted enough that I didn't get paid for overtime, just worked it for fun, but I was running that etsy shop and sewing and 3am was a quiet time to get projects done.

nowdays I run, sometimes, unless I don't feel like running. lately I've been a huge slacker in the running department. it's so dang hot and humid it doesn't even feel good so I've been laying back a lot. sometimes I read. or go downstairs and watch tv. or just lay there listening to podcasts. or worst of all, play cell phone games.

it's okay 1-2 times a week when it lines up with my workout schedule and I'm motivated enough to go outside, but when it's more than that... I just wish I could sleep all night. I'd feel so much better. on those rare days when I sleep until 5am I feel so good.

I tried going to bed later, it doesn't make a difference. I tried running for miles, it doesn't make me tired enough to sleep.

I think I'm just made for a 21 or 22 hour planet, not a 24 hour one.

this morning I woke up and didn't feel like running. but just to test it, I walked outside and took a deep breath and looked up at the stars, and it changed my mind. I changed clothes and went out to run in the dark.

seattlejo asked me this question for my birthday: What are your thoughts about gendered professional development associations like Women in Aviation. Helpful? Segregating?

I love gendered professional development associations. I'm a lifetime member of Society of Women Engineers (SWE), I've been to the Women in Aviation conference at least once, I was once president of the women's networking group at my company.

I wouldn't call them gendered or segregating, because they're open to everybody. You have to support the mission of these groups to join, of course... they're usually along the lines of supporting and promoting women's achievements, recognizing the power of diversity, etc. Men can do that!

My SWE section even had a "Best Male Member" award that we gave out at conference banquets until we realized we, uh, needed to rename it.

Here's my way of thinking, and why I like women's groups:

1) Engineering takes a lot of smart people. a lot of different people, different ways of thinking, different intelligences. Engineering needs to listen to everyone and be open to change.

2) We won't have the most talented engineers if we chop half the population off the candidate pool right off the bat. We will be missing brains. The same thing happens if you only hire from one small town, or only hire the boss's nephews. Limited selection forces you to lower the bar.

3) It's hard to do your best when you're the only girl in your group. Not only do you miss a lot of lunch invites, but somebody is always going to look at you wondering if you're just there to represent females. If there are more women in your group, you become normal. It's not "the woman said something". If there's a 50/50 split and you get promoted, nobody can say "oh sure they picked the ONE WOMAN". But as long as you're the only woman, you will be the Token Woman.

4) Engineers do not take classes in school about how to encourage women or boost diversity numbers. We are taking 13 hours of calculus. We do not know how to ask questions about microaggressions or put into words why we feel uncomfortable. We can't solve the gender imbalance problem with thermodynamics.

5) Lastly, I think women deserve engineering jobs. They're great jobs. I love what I do. I find it very disturbing that society just "happens" to pay much lower salaries to jobs that are traditionally held by women. One way women can counter that is to pick non-stereotypical jobs. But I think reason #2 (engineering deserves women) is a much bigger and more noble cause than #5 here, so let's move on.

Once you admit that the gender imbalance is an issue, women's groups are a great way to counteract it. Get all us women together to talk about our experiences, conduct research, help each other, provide friendship and mentoring. Make the next woman who just joined the company feel like part of the family.

I never want to be one of those women who looks around and shrugs and says "well I made it so there must not be a problem. must be something weird about those females." I think if I have found success, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to work by previous generations, and I should pay it forward. Ask questions, admit we have room for improvement, join a group and go out to lunch every once in a while.

I told the men I work with that if they want to start a men in engineering group, I'll join it! but the cubicles that day already looked like a men in engineering group, so nobody found the need.

That's my logic.

Oh and last last bit - I'm also in these groups because I love these women. I have met some of my greatest friends through SWE. We are the same. We get along amazingly, we talk on the same level, we want the same things. When I first started working I'd get invited to these engineer wife gatherings and as much as I needed to make friends, they weren't fun. The engineer wives would joke about their dorky husbands, and I related to the wrong side of the joke. I was plucky comic relief. The outcast. Not so with SWE. We get shit done. I'm in an engineering moms facebook group that is the hands down best moms group too. Why can't I be BFFs with the men in engineering? I don't know. There are some great men, and I have managed to get those lunch invites. But it's not the same as having female friends, and if I'm not careful I can go days, maybe weeks, without talking to another woman.

my basic advice to women in engineering...

1. find your male allies. keep an eye out for the progressive ones, who'll meet your glance if you look around for help after being snubbed, who let you talk in meetings, who train you. you need them. they're everywhere.

2. join swe.

cw: infertility

this headline is making the rounds in my feed: COVID Vaccines Show No Signs of Harming Fertility or Sexual Function [Scientific American]

I know infertility is a serious issue for many so I don't want to make light of it. I'm glad there is more data and scientist publishing more studies to reassure people that you can have the vaccine and babies and all is well.

BUT I also had to laugh at the headline because earlier this year, when vaccines were merely a dream, a young person I work with told me that he'd read the vaccines cause infertility.

immediately half the guys in the office looked up and said "BONUS POINTS!" and we had to explain to this poor kid that a one shot birth control would be the ONLY thing we could possibly imagine being more popular than a COVID-19 vaccine! he clearly had no idea what people go through, as the years of life go on, to NOT have babies!

I have had children. I love them. I do not want more. I'm not too bothered by having to get a mirena IUD re-inserted every five years, it's worth it. but it's not a fun doctor visit. it's quite a bit more involved than a shot in the arm.

I realize I don't represent the entire population but I think there's a pretty strong majority with this affliction! People who have heterosexual sex, but we don't want ALL THE BABIES? It's so common that contraceptives have been a revolution and people are willing to do all kinds of things to not have babies! Pills, routine shots, implants, surgeries... science. All with side effects, all complicated.

So for some conspiracy theorist to think "oh big pharma has been holding out on the quick easy solution until 2021!" was very puzzling to me.

I've only met like 2-3 heterosexual couples who were fine having all the babies. They seem very happy with their 6 or 8 or 12 kids but they are VERY rare. I know a lot more people who do not want ANY babies. The popularity of that option is telling!

When I was a similarly young person in my early 20s with sporadic boyfriends, I also didn't really get it. Of course I always supported contraceptive access for everyone. But I remember being in my church full of hippies one day and the topic came up. "There are some denominations who think birth control is wrong, because sex is only for making babies," said a member of my sunday school class. From the back row, the oldest lady in the room looked up from behind her walker and yelled "well that's a load of crap!"

I just hadn't experienced the decades of adult relationship-ness ahead of me, hadn't thought about it, didn't appreciate the post-contraceptive world we live in now. I'd also never had babies so I didn't fully understand the earthquake that occurs in your life when a baby is born. now I know. so the second I heard "this shot means no babies" I was like OMG THEY DID IT but then realized it was a conspiracy made up hoax, went right back to checking my HSA to see if we've saved up enough for that vasectomy we keep talking about.

I was so impressed with Kamala Harris during the debates, and so excited when she was sworn in as vice president! I recently finished her book "The Truths We Hold: An American Journey". It was okay. It really read like a civics lesson, or book of political speeches, not quite what I expected. I learned some things, sure... administrative details about how the supreme court allowed same sex marriage, abuses against immigrants in detention centers, but I didn't learn much about Kamala Harris.

Every chapter follows the same formula. quick personal story, ties to a big issue, case study, inspiring conclusion. Speech. Like...

1) When I was a kid I remember when my mom finally saved up enough money for us to BUY our own house and stop renting! We loved that house, we were so proud!
2) And that's why the housing crisis was so devastating to me, when # million Americans lost their homes.
3) Like Joe and Marge Smith from Bakersfield California. Joe is a hard working teacher and Marge raises guinea pigs and they lost their house.
4) That's why houses, dammit!

It's not a chronological memoir, it is literally organized by issue.

So if you like politics you will like this book. But I pretty much know where I stand on all the issues and felt exhausted by all the examples. I'm proud that Kamala Harris sounds like a very smart very hard worker.

asking for a friend... let's say you regularly walk past this house about 2-3 blocks from yours, and they have a pear tree in their front yard that is just busting out pears all over the place. there are some nasty ones on the ground but more great ones on the tree. you never see them outside, but you start venturing a few feet into their yard to pick off some pears. like, every night. with your kid.

and your whole family starts eating pears like they're in their own food group. sitting around watching tv, your daughter regularly makes eye contact with you and just says, "pear time?". with a knowing nod, you're both out the door. you haven't brought a bag yet, just depend on hoodie pockets and whatever you can carry. I mean why take a bunch, you'll be back tomorrow.

that kind of thing is okay you think?

You know I felt bad about our spending this month until I saw that it was the lowest since February. Maybe this is just how we are. Of course, the other months we had big house stuff we were buying... so it's hard to tell what the number should be. I decided to do something different for this spending report. Rather than just stare at the numbers, I pulled our report from January.

January was a fantastic month for us, we had an official DON'T BUY ANYTHING, nothing went wrong in the house, we didn't even leave the house. It was the peak of a global pandemic. I was working from home, and hating that, there were no parties and no place to take the kids. But we did awesome on the budget! So I figure that should be our baseline, "needs only" line in the sand, right? How did we do?

Groceries: $1122 in August compared to $950 in January. Not too far off really, we were going to the store LESS in January and attempted to avoid all junk food... marc and I had "dry january" with no alcohol, so the kids had "no cookies", they told me this was bullshit but somehow survivied.

Restaurants: $423 in August compared to $121 in January. Yeah, I know. Well I will say that $116 of that was one nice dinner Marc and I treated ourselves with to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary! We can do that once a year. January had 7 little one-meal drive through trips and one $60 takeout order. August had 19 restaurant visits. Besides lunches out, there was a trip to the zoo with the kids concession stand lunch, a girls night out I went to, I brought donuts in to work, we had a fun day it hutchison when the cosmosphere was free and had to eat at the famous anchor inn mexican buffet.

Automotive: $118, nothing in January. We did not go to car washes, didn't buy washer fluid.

Pets: $190, nothing in January. We had a pet food order come in ($80) and paid to board the dog while we went camping with my sister.

Shopping: $341 in August, $256 in January. You know, I had it in my head that we were PERFECT during "no buy January" but there was an amazon order on the statement! I never do those anymore. The biggest shopping trip we had in August was a $150 trip to Target for school supplies. Okay, there were a couple shirts in there. But this was after we scoured the house to use last year's school supplies... the schools always re-ask for classroom stuff, paper, dry erase markers, that doesn't just live around the house. Both months were lighter on shopping, to be honest.

Oh, about $60 of January's shopping was to Nintendo for switch subscriptions. We apparently had to do something during pandemic, no-shopping month.

Gas: $327 in August, $118 in January. I guess even my short little work commute is a thing.

Alcohol: $174 in August, $67 in January. No comment.

School registration: $170 in August. Public schools, two children, registration fees for who knows what but this is a thing every year.

Donations: Donations were the same except $150 to Heartspring, an organization that helps kids with special needs, for their annual Pedalfest bike ride. Despite our efforts though Pedalfest has gone virtual. So I'm putting that in the donation bucket.

This all feels like a bunch of little stuff but when I add it all up it's $1500 difference! Which is... about what the totals are. egads! I don't know what to hold my family to, that's the hard part. once you spend less than you make, your motivation is just to not be an overconsuming asshole. where's that line, I always wonder? my family would set it in a very different place than me.

1. What luxury is totally worth the price?
I'm thinking about getting a road bike. I cheap out on a lot of things but nice bike, nice running shoes... the difference is clear.

2. What is the most unique or silliest problem you have going on in your life at the moment?
well I'm still healthy and don't have coronavirus, so I should be very thankful. all my problems are silly, right? but I still had a concert, and conference, and a big local bike race all get cancelled or go virtual all in one week. all plans I was looking forward to, all just slipping through my fingers. It made me sad. Here I thought I'd gone from doing everything (pre-covid) to doing nothing (covid) to doing a little bit (post-covid) - I was worried I wouldn't know how to come back from nothing. but I learned, and now it's gone.

3. If you were so wealthy you didn’t need to work, what would you do with your time?
volunteer. I'd be one of those retirees at the makerspace, basically still working. I'd go on longer daily walks too. that's about all that would change.

4. What is the most tedious and/or the most exciting sport to watch?
golf puts me right to sleep. I enjoyed olympic sport climbing, for the oddity of it.

5. What do you think the ideal age to be is?
I'd do my late 20s again in a heartbeat, those were great. Sometimes I regret not investing and saving more money, getting into the stock market at 15-years-ago prices, but who am I kidding? I was having a blast, going out with friends, living downtown, it was the life! and my body was wonderful. my back never hurt. I could sit all day or stand all day or read all day or stroll downtown and never worry about anything.

my beloved daughter jo is starting the 6th grade. the beginning of the year has become an annual terrible thing because her least favorite assignment always comes up... create something to introduce yourself. absolute torture for her. it's happened a lot. make a page, or a worksheet, or a poster, called "ALL ABOUT ME" and include some photos and talk about yourself, your hobbies and family and anything you want!

I understand why this would be hard for a kid who's had a tough life but Josie is just... my kid. Oh and did I mention that bit? She's MY KID... my genetics, from me, and my favorite thing to talk about is MYSELF! 3-7 times a week I come to this website to spit out 500-1000 words about myself, not only did I love "about me!" posters but I totally failed to outgrow them and have not run out of things to say! In social settings I have to hold back because it is not polite to talk about one's self, but I can! In presentations if I'm given too much time to address my topic and my technical depth is lacking, I can always kill time talking about myself! 5-10 minute freebie, I can relate it somehow!

See, this entry is about my child and I'm already talking about myself.

One really easy box of an "about me" poster, I told her on our walk last night, is the Favorites list. Just list your favorite thing. What's your favorite color? movie? rock band? anime?

she seriously said she didn't know these things. doesn't have a favorite movie, there are lots. doesn't know what kind of music she likes. she doesn't like country music. well that's a start.

I know you have a favorite videogame kid! what's that one you play all the time? gumshoe island? she rolled her eyes and said FOR THE LAST TIME MOM IT'S GENSHIN IMPACT and I said same thing.

favorite shoes? favorite city we've visited? favorite kind of car? blank stares.

so finally I said what's your favorite tree? we were passing by an oak tree, so I was going to suggest just saying oak. but instead she said Acacia.

wait, what? you can't tell me a favorite movie but you have a favorite tree? and I don't even know what that is.


File:Flora of Tanzania 0470 Nevit.jpg, wikimedia commons, Nevit Dilmen

she laughed. and then kind of thought of more things. I kept asking her all the questions and she had a list.

favorite book: the wild robot by peter brown
favorite drink: Shirley Temple, because it's "not appropriate to put mojito on a school poster" (we make them without rum, friends!)
favorite scary movie: Pet Cemetery, the remake not the original (why does she have a favorite scary movie but no favorite movie? I can't say.)
favorite place in wichita: the art museum, because of the you can walk on a glass floor with Dale Chihuly's glassblown chandelier underneath your feet
favorite kind of pizza: bbq chicken from ziggy's
favorite food: fried rice
favorite roller coaster: the mr. freeze at six flags
favorite cookie: peanut butter
favorite ice cream flavor: mint

she's got something! I said there you go kid, write big, draw pictures, you can win this poster thing!

"How would the kids feel if you changed things? It honestly sounds idyllic, particularly for them." - imogen_blue on an entry about our family work life balance

ever since then the word "idyllic" plays a lot in my head. word of the year for 2021. I look around at everything we do, even if it's marc and olive playing minecraft together, josie and I walking the dog, visiting friends at a birthday party, and think "idyllic". it's a good, simple, middle of America life we have. Lots of bad things are happening in the world. Lots of people with no place to go, despite all their best efforts. We are healthy and fed and even better, entertained. How?

Last weekend we asked some friends what they had going on and they said they were going to santa fe lake for the day. I'd never been there. It's about a 20-30 minute drive. The park is $10 per car for a day pass. It is a Kansas lake. It's muddy, you can only see down about 6" before your hand disappears. You walk on some sand, then sharp rocks, then a very squishy silty lake bottom that you sink into uncomfortably. But who cares? We had floaties and a cooler of sandwiches and snacks and that is where we spent Sunday. Our friends had kayaks so we took turns kayaking around but mostly just laying around. Olive likes to spread out a towel on the sand and lay in the sun after I spray her down with our last remaining aerosol sunscreen that wasn't recalled this year - we returned the benzene stuff for a full refund. Josie and I practice spiking a playground ball around.

I'm surprised I've never been to santa fe lake after all these years, because we love camping and swimming in lakes, and here's this close one. there was room on the beach and you can bring dogs. judy would like it. we set up marc's shade tent and camping chairs and I read a little bit and at one point napped. eventually the water got too deep for the kids to touch the bottom, but that was pretty far off. I found the spot but they weren't going out that far. no scary drop offs.

we played out there until we felt some rain sprinkles. the forecast said we'd get rained on but we really didn't, probably didn't have to leave, but it was late enough we got home. marc baked a meatloaf and everybody got a nice shower and that was our sunday.