i have lost my voice almost entirely. saturday i sounded kinda sick, sunday i sounded terrible, today i sound like nothing. i can kinda squeek some things out when i have to. so work sucked... i had to be there because i'm behind, we're understaffed, there's a mini-crisis every day, that kind stuff. pretty normal. except it's really nice to talk.

people either talked very quietly back to me, or talked to me like i was a little kid, or just DIDN'T STOP TALKING. Seriously I can't close a conversation with the normal "okay got it thanks" I just had to keep smiling and nodding while they thought of item after item of inspired monologue.

it's all too bad because this weekend was awesome. i was at my regional swe conference hanging out with awesome other women engineers who i've grown to really enjoy lately.

at least i don't need a voice for the internet.

today after work I exercised, then came home and made some pasta with steamed asparagus. I am so good. Then I cleaned for the last two hours. Question of the day: why can't I be good like that on the weekends? Saturday I woke up, went to the farmer's market, and bought the exotic pasta and the asparagus, then returned home and made a box of kraft mac & cheese. then laid around and napped in front of a Scrubs DVD.

I made an appointment to get my teeth cleaned, since I no-showed for my last dentist appointment. Yeah that was great. I called them last week to ask them about something, and they said I hadn't even shown up for my last cleaning... I felt so terrible I didn't even ask my question, I just freaked out and said I had to go. But the more I thought about it, I don't think my dentist office calls to confirm appointments! Every other place does, but they just give you a little card when you make the thing, and then six months later when it's time to come around they send you a postcard. Well, this appointment I missed was like a week after i moved. No postcard for our hero. I don't feel so bad. When I go in if they charge me I'm going to bitch about that. I hope they're cool about it, because I like the dentist.

feminist thought of the day: Last week I asked some questions in feminist about man hate and if it really exists. The conversation got insane, but before all that I gleaned a couple interesting answers by people who said that feminism, and its lessons about appreciating inviduals, actually got them to hate men a lot less than they did before they were feminists. That pre-feminist period was usually marked by some real woman-hate, too. But when you examine women's place, and start appreciating women for what they contribute, and see what we do and don't have in common with men, a much higher understanding sets in.

All the higher understanding aspects that come with being a feminist are seriously starting to kick in with me this year, it's my phase or something. I'm starting to see it as not just a movement, but a lens. This is what happens, kids, when you don't study something in college... it takes you thirteen years to start really understanding what the fsck people are making such a big fuss about.

Well, after all the comments about my post re: HVP vaccine yesterday I decided to just get the damn thing, so I called my insurance company to confirm that they'd cover my last shot (which I'll get when I'm 27) and guess what? My doctor recommended the vaccine to me because I'm 26 or younger, my insurance company thinks it's under 26. So they won't pay for it. I can use my HSA account for it, which is my money but it's pre-tax, so I might do that.

But I wanted to write about a different subject: you should not dismiss a vaccine like this just because you're in a monogamous relationship. I was just going to reply to some comments, but figured I'd post a whole thing about it. I've never had this idea the monogamy=no fear of STDs, probably after reading all these stories about how AIDS in africa spread so rapidly because no one felt the need to teach married women about condoms, or empower them to make their husbands use them. Yes, being monogamous reduces your chances of STDs, but it's not perfect.

Some reasons to get vaccinated even if you're monogamous:

1) There's a chance that the person you're with now might not be your last sexual partner ever. You could break up. They could die. You could be raped. None of us like to think like this, especially the married ones of us, but it's out there, might as well get the vaccine now so you don't have to worry about it later.

2) The person you're with now could have HPV, not know it, and still not have passed it on to you. Certain strains have no symptoms. I learned from my doctor today that a clean pap doesn't even mean you're HPV-free, having HPV can cause changes in cells that will show up on your pap, a pap smear itself is not a test for HPV. So don't use the "well I've been healthy so far" method to test your partner's status.

3) The person you're with now could cheat on you. Oh yes, you're totally sure that they love only you, let me ask this: does it really mean anything to the relationship that you're willing to put your health at risk to demonstrate faith in it? Marc and I talk about these kinds of things all the time, he totally wants me to get the vaccine. If he told me that he felt threatened by the idea, then I'd tell him to hit the damn road; there's no way I would have a relationship with a man who wants me to make him feel loved by putting myself at risk for cancer. When you wear your seat belt, it doesn't mean you're planning to crash. The risks of not getting the vaccine far outweigh the benefits of not getting it.

Other things I've learned about the vaccine since I posted my last entry:

- The "I use condoms" excuse is pretty much shot to hell, condoms are designed to prevent diseases that are spread through fluids, HPV is spread through skin-skin contact: http://www.healthandhpv.com/condoms.htm

- The "it's new" excuse (this is what I was originally going with) isn't much better either - Results from the first studies of this vaccine were reported four years ago, so even though we're just hearing about it, it's been in the works for a while and has been tested on 11,000 women.

- The "I don't have insurance" excuse... well, this could be valid. The vaccine starts at $360... my doctor told me $600, I might call around for estimates :) But a lot of insurance companies are covering it, so make some calls.

So anyway, I don't want to sound like a crazy gardasil salesperson but if your doctor recommends that you get the HPV vaccine, get it! And my rant about monogamous relationships applies to a lot of other things, not just this vaccine issue, maybe that's why I felt so ranty. It doesn't matter if you are 150% confident that you and your partner are monogamous now and forever, you should still get a regular pelvic exam, pap smear, all that. Because there's not really a reason to skip it, people, seriously.

I saw my OB/GYN this past week and she brought up the HPV vaccine. It's been recommended for all women 26 and younger, and she predicted that there'd be a study out soon enough that would support extending the age on the recommendation. There are even news stories about it being required for girls, which brings up all sorts of other issues.

Anyway, I am 26 right now, so my doctor recommended that I call my insurance company, make sure they'll pay for all three shots (I'd have to get the last one after I turn 27), and get the vaccine. It sounds like a good idea. But there's this probably-irrational thought going on in the back of my head about it too, because it's new, and *everybody's* getting it, and I've read too many suspense novels where everybody thinks the new drug is great and something goes horribly horribly wrong. I know, kind of stupid. I was vaccinated against hepatitis (A?) several years ago and that went fine. But in a culture that's totally overdrugged right now, I can't be the only one who's paranoid.

So, I'm kind of on a poll kick lately, how about a poll?
Poll #920430
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 63

HPV vaccine? (please only take this poll if you're female)

I slept in today and had a horrible dream about killing a bunny rabbit, and I was halfway done killing it, all its fur was gone and it was bleeding, and I didn't know what to do next. Then when I stopped to think, I couldn't remember why I'd wanted to kill it in the first place.

I went to the doctor and told him about my episode yesterday. He told me what some of you did... that a person can have a migraine, without a migraine. So he prescribed some very expensive medication for me to take next time something like that happens. He also said he wanted to run some tests... MRI, EEG, something else, I don't even know, and I was like, "Is all this necessary? If you think it's a migraine, and this has only happened once, why run all this? What are the odds that we're wrong?" He basically said that the odds were low, and if I really wasn't worried about it, I didn't have to take the tests. It's just nice to rule out things like stroke or aneurysm.

One of my coworkers told me it was good that my doctor wanted to run tests and answer questions. I was like, "He's got questions. I've got insurance. Put us together and baby, that's America."

So I agreed to the tests, because when it comes down to it I am a pussy, and I'm waiting to hear back from them on scheduling. Once when I was 19 or so I visited an obgyn I didn't like. I'm tall and black out a lot, and when I noted that he thought I should be tested for some rare heart condition that has no treatment and won't effect my life unless I get pregnant, at which time I'll basically be high risk from day one. I told him that test sounded lame and wasn't worth having the blood drawn. He made me sign a thing. Anyway... that was me, not wanting to have blood drawn, and now I'm going to get an MRI? weird.

At work everyone had heard about me and was surprised to see me walking around being normal. I was really fine though. And tomorrow, if I'm not fine, I can take $20 worth of medicine in thirty seconds and maybe be fine again. Marc just thinks it's funny that I spent so much on drugs to make the wavy, colorful lines and disjointed thoughts go away. He's like, "You had all that, and no headache? Some people pay a lot to get there."

three times since I had the flu, I've been sitting at my desk and suddenly started seeing spots. soon, my periferal vision is gone. after an hour or so, it comes back and I'm fine.

today this happened again and instead of sitting at my desk staring into space I went downstairs to a quiet test lab to wait it out. I got worse. I had a manual in front of me to pretend to read, and my vision was coming back, but I couldn't read it... the words weren't making it to my brain or something. I couldn't think how to put a sentence together to talk. I started writing things down but writing was hard... I wrote that I needed help, and it took me three tries to spell "help" right and make the letters, I wrote that my hands were "nubm", and they were, especially my right one. I started crying and walked outside the hall and showed it to this poor old flight test engineer I knew, and tried to say that I needed something, needed help, but I was a mess.

He got a first responder, who took my pulse and asked me some questions and I tried to talk but it was nearly impossible. The first responder called health services, who brought a medical kit, tested my blood sugar, asked more questions. I was shaking and they told me to take deep breaths and I did and then I'd be fine, then I'd forget to take deep breaths and start shaking again. I didn't feel cold but they said my hands were freezing. I could squeeze things okay, and I could walk, but I couldn't speak or write still.

I told them that the problem had been going on for twenty minutes or so... I'd noticed it around 3. They told me it was past 4:30. They drove me to the health services department and took blood pressure again but then I was getting to be fine... a totally different person, they said. But they wouldn't let me drive so I called marc, who was in newton, then Jason, who came and got me, and they told jason to take me to the immediate care place, so I did. By the time we got there marc showed up and sat with me. I had a splitting headache and still couldn't read words out loud, and still stumbled through talking, but I was better.

I'm supposed to go to my doctor tomorrow, if I can, to talk to him, get some tests run, find out what's wrong. The guy at immediate care said that even though I'm young, birth control puts me at a slight stroke risk, I need to be watched. if it happens again go to the emergency room without thinking about it.

I didn't like it. It was scary.

my roommate is one of these people who talks openly to the television. "oh my god... what is going ON?" or "why is he going in there?!" or "why are they all wearing the same outfits?" when she knows full well that no one else has seen the movie that we're a whole five minutes into so we're not going to know the answer. it's actually kind of cute and we all make fun of her.

I got to spend all sorts of quality time with my housemates this weekend, because we ALL GOT THE FLU. And it sucked. Let me tell you... lots of time, I just don't update my journal because I'm too busy or forget. This weekend was not one of those times. I was not physically able to update anything... I tried to edit a header script on a website I'm working on yesterday, and screwed it up, and didn't have the mental capacity to fix it, and had to restore it from a backup, and it hurt. This whole flu thing hurt. I haven't had it in years and forgot how bad it was. Even now that the fever is over and I'm not in pain everywhere, I'm sore from laying down, and my throat hurts from coughing, and I'm incredibly weak. going up stairs leaves me winded, and when marc and I tried to leave the house today (a bold move... none of you understand how bold, you haven't been here for the last three days) I was so tired I could barely drive. We had like four stops to make, we made one.

so it's been a fabulous non-weekend of bed rest, getting dizzy in the shower, eating tylenol like popcorn, and trying to live off soda crackers. I lost like ten pounds since thursday, and even now, my body feels hungry, like it's malnourished, but my stomach can't take anything. At least I feel human. Friday I stayed in bed all day. Saturday I somehow found the strength to get out of bed, crawl to a couch, and watch some movies.

I have no real excuse not to go to work tomorrow. I need to go to work tomorrow. I really needed to go to work Friday, but that was physically impossible, I couldn't walk down the hall Friday.

My roommate's boyfriend brought this upon us, by the way. And she told me that when I regain my strength, I could kill him, because he gave it to her and marc, too. At least I'm young and strong so I was only really down for a couple painful, horrible days. my advice to everyone: don't get the flu, it sucks ass.

Last night, I poisoned myself with oven cleaner. yeah. I read all the instructions on the spray can and saved it for the last thing to do in my apartment that night, opened all the windows, turned on the right fans, and sprayed my oven. The fumes were harsh and I finally just held my breath, sprayed, closed the oven door, walked 20 feet away for another breath, came back, opened the door, spray, repeat... and I left it there to soak in overnight.

Two hours later my vision was splotchy and I was losing peripheral. I opted to go to bed. Another hour later I woke up with the worst headache I've ever had in my entire life. And that's how I spent the night. Awake, in pain, taking pills every few hours hoping that something would cure me. I went to work on one hour of sleep and felt like death all day, still headachy and lightheaded. it sucked.

tonight, my roommate calls me all like, "Jason and Marc are coming over to watch movies, you up for it?" uh, no. First, I got shit to do in my apartment. then political meeting. then studying for massive test Thursday. I told her to have them over because movies are fun, start without me and I'll see them later. The four of us watched movies sunday night, too. it was disgusting. I haven't watched a movie in months... certainly not all in one sitting like that, I watch them 20 minutes at a time between appointments, if anything. Her and her boyfriend, me and mark, cuddling on different couches... CUDDLING.

You know, I do some stuff that doesn't fit my party girl image. I go to church. I knit. But cuddling in front of a movie with the same guy I was with the night before is about too much for me. It's too "girlfriend". That's what me and angry man did all the damn time... watched movies! The world is happening... politics, philosophy, science, art, music, and every weekend millions of couples are sitting on their couches, cuddling. And watching movies.

But anyway, that was Sunday night... back to tonight.

I roll in about 9:30 and sit and watch the end of Constantine with them, and when we're all done I kiss marc goodnight and he goes home and jason and roommate go to her room. she comes out 10 minutes later... and jason is laughing in the background... both are like, "You made him go HOME?"

wtf? I didn't make him do anything. I just told him I was going to bed, and implied that he was not coming with me. I was going on an hour of sleep and had no desire for someone to put me at risk of losing out tonight, too... I go to work at 7, people!

This is not the week for me to just add water to an instant boyfriend, and I'm sure marc doesn't expect that, i just think it's funny how roommate and her boyfriend (I should just call them my roomcouple, they're here all the time, you know?) figured I'd settle into this mode and have a relationship just like theirs all in the course of a very good weekend. uh... pass the oven cleaner.