Okay, so it's now November, the month where I avoid all retail stores. The ones that I can't avoid (grocery stores and gas stations) I use very quickly, with my eyes mostly closed. This is because I've found that whenever I open myself up to the idea that Christmas lasts 8-12 weeks, I absolutely HATE Christmas by the time we get to the end of December. It also brings back bad memories of working in a mall over Christmas... it was a shocking, awful time, one that changed my entire concept of the holiday. We did an unimaginable amount of sales during December. I don't mean we were just busy. I don't mean our sales numbers were twice what they were when I worked there in the summer. I mean they were 10 times, 50 times, probably 100 times what they were when I worked there in the summer. It taught me that, to retail, Christmas isn't a holiday, it's life and death. It's unimaginable, what Christmas means to retail. So given that, who can blame them for wanting to start it two weeks before Halloween?

Flash forward... one Christmas I wrote a touching journal entry about how sad it was that not everyone who celebrates Christmas really understands what it's all about. Yes, family and presents and big meals are nice, but the birth of a savior is nicer, and it's sad that people embrace Christmas without embracing that (because you're missing out, by the way. not because Jesus won't love you or you're not SAVED, m'kay?). And although I didn't mention it in the entry, I think retail sort of did that to us... make sure Christmas is sellable first, then worry about the incidental details.

But I was thinking about it this week and a haunting thought came to mind... what if Christians did it to retail?

We keep talking about how America is a Christian nation. We expect Christian holidays to be declared as government holidays. We want stores putting up nativity scenes. We want everyone to subscribe to it.

We wanted it mass-marketed. Mass-produced. Mass-Christmassed. And we didn't think any meaning would be lost. Even now, we're angry that shopping malls make Christmas a secular holiday, we ask them to put more Jesus up. Like that'll fix the issue?

You can't reclaim something and give it meaning, and give it to corporate America and the government at the same time. You can't use an easy road to broadcast a meaning that's complicated. You can't spread an idea to millions of people and expect all those millions to look at it in the same way.

We need to pull back, look at what we've done, apologize to ourselves for it, and think of ways to correct the situation. We can't blame retail for this one. Sorry it took me two years to figure that one out. At least I made it.

The Christmas Eve candlelight service last night at Church of the Resurrection was incredible, I just have to say that. But it got me wondering... how many people celebrate Christmas and don't do anything with any church? I can't imagine Christmas not being a religious holiday but I know it happens... my atheist friends put up a "giftmas" tree to mark the holidays which I think is... interesting. Technically, since we stole Christmas trees from the pagans to start with, I can't bash on anyone too much for stealing it from us.

But it begs the question... just how Christian is the average Christmas?

Poll #408561 Christian Christmas?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 112

What did you do to mark this as a Christian holiday?

How would you describe your sprituality?

Last night was fantastic. I got off work, went home, packed up, loaded the car and drove three hours to Margaret's annual holiday party and gift exchange, where I received a Magic 8 Ball from mikey in exchange for a set of salt and pepper shakers I brought with the state seal of Kansas on them. There were lots of people to talk to and it was fun to catch up, as always. I have no idea how many years in a row I've gone to Margaret's party. Seems like it's been since early college, but maybe it dates back to high school. We were all friends then, I'll say that. The drive from Wichita was long so I was starving... filled up on chips and dip and stuff and was pretty happy.

Some of us decided to have an after party at Jen & Kevin's, but they said they had to drop off a friend first, so JL and I drove off to his apartment because I'd never seen it and that way I'd have my car parked somewhere closer to home. He has a very nice apartment; much better than mine, but the rent's a lot higher. Life is full of compromise. We talked and had some hot cocoa and then went to Jen & Kevin's.

I haven't been to Jen & Kevin's house so I got a grand tour. They have a new puppy; it's small and fuzzy and cute as hell. I kind of tried to make myself a chocolate martini but they didn't have very good vodka (they're not really vodka people, it turns out) but I'm not really picky about such things. The drink made me hazy. We played foozball (fun!). Mike and Mark were there. It was good times.

Went back to JL's and I wasn't in a condition to drive, exactly (I was close, but I don't risk it) so he said I could crash on his couch. We went in and got to talking and had a good 1-2 hour conversation where we tried to be philosophical and address great social conditions of humanity but looking back it probably wasn't so deep; I was dead tired. I mean hell, I rarely stay up past 11 these days and there it was, 3:00 a.m., and I'm up trying to hold a conversation. Either way it felt really good to talk to him. I don't have many friends in Wichita I can have good deep conversations with. It's tough to find those sorts.

I realized that if I stayed I wouldn't go to sleep, we'd just find things to talk about, and I wasn't drunk anymore, so I drove home. It was freezing cold. I shivered in the car; I hate that feeling, where you're cold and it's not even windy, it's just cold. I got home to my parent's house just a little before 4:30. Damn. Slept until 8, got up, and spent the day bumming around and talking to my sister.

It's Christmas, almost! I was so happy on the drive up here last night, watching the sunset over the flint hills, listening to Christmas music with my car full of presents with perfect bows (I love making the bows more than buying the presents and almost more than getting the presents, I'm serious here).

When I was 16 or so, I used to feel weird about being happy, because there was always that looming fear that it could go away. I conquered it as I got older. I observed that no matter how good my year was, the next one was always better - I knew more people, learned more topics, had more experiences, and I didn't have to be afraid of anything in life going downhill. I didn't have to be afraid of needing to turn back, because I wasn't turning back; everything was great. I was born, I'm alive, I'll die, and I accepted all of it.

There are only two times when I feel like I still want to freeze time and pause the whole cycle - one is springtime, because running outside in the sunshine after a long winter is so great. The other time is Christmas, with the perfect tree, and my friends at Margaret's party, and my mom and dad and sister. I think if we could all just stop the cycle somehow, we could live forever. And sure we'd lose out on the growing experience and I tell myself nothing is worth that, life should move on, that's how God planned it.

But to have all the christmas we'd ever want, just like it is, would be so tempting.

( first, a disturbing story )
Five days until Christmas. I have not packed. I have not addressed a SINGLE christmas card. Mom's present is in the mail. I had to work late and this place is a mess. I had a good weekend though. Went to two christmas parties; both were quite fun. After a party last night, I went to the mall. It was about 7:00 and I figured it was still open because the parking lot was pretty full, but not totally full because nobody expects the mall to be open Sunday night. That was one of the key things I learned from working at the mall: during the holiday season, we keep really different hours. We'd open at 8:00 a.m. and it'd always be dead until 11:00 or so, then people would just decend and conquer. So if you want to go to the mall during Christmas, always call and get their holiday hours so you miss the peaks.

BUT I digress... I walked around and looked at the tables of sweaters that'd been torn apart, the sparkly deals, the people everywhere, and it was neat. I felt cool and Christmassy, like I was finally ready for the season. I didn't do any shopping, I just took it all in, and thought about who all the shoppers might have in mind for each of their purchases. I people-watched. I listened to the music. I thought about going home to my family, where we have perfect Christmasses every year.

I feel warm now just typing it all out.